Progress is a step forward in the right direction.

Sometimes it can be hard to track progress yourself.  Especially if you aren't into writing everything down every day.  I am of course talking about the gym.

I've been going to the gym for years now, but really slacked off for the past year and a half.  I went from being unemployed and having way too much free time on my hands, which equated to hitting the gym 4-5 times a week, to the polar opposite of that now.  At that time, I was probably in the best shape physically of my life.  I had put on a solid 50-60 lbs. of muscle and felt pretty good.  I had peaked out and hit some of my basic goals at the time as well, so I felt like I had really achieved something.  For the first time in my life, I wasn't a string-bean, and could bench more than my Dad, which was a major accomplishment for me.....ha ha. 

Previously, the most I had ever weighed was around 170 lbs, which was my pre-marriage weight when I was about 21 or so.  I dropped back down to between 140-150 lbs for the majority of my married life, but kept on going to the gym when I could find the time.  About 2 1/2 years ago, I decided to push myself a little harder at the gym since I had so much free time, and then see what I could do.  In about 6-8 months, I had finally hit my goal of weighing 200 lbs, and could bench about 310 lbs.  I was pretty proud of myself!  Problem was, it wasn't a realistic goal to maintain.  I started going to school at night, found a job, and then went through a messy divorce.  I was lucky if I made it to the gym once a week or even once every other week at that point. 

I imagined that I would get skinny again, and lose a bunch of weight like before, but that was not the case this time around.  Imagine that?!  I maintained roughly the same weight, but got much softer.  At the time, I didn't care too much, because I was miserable and had more important things to worry about. 

Things have changed now.  I'm done with school for the time being.  Divorce is final and things have mellowed out a lot between the Ex and I.  I've been at the same job for nearly 2 years now, and absolutely love it!  Life is much better and I am genuinely happier now than I've been in a long time.  One thing has been lacking though, and that has been my level of fitness.  I work with my head now, and sitting at a desk in front of a computer can be a bit of an adjustment. 

Right here I will have to interject, because I am not under the misconception that I am fat or anything silly like that.  You should just understand that for my entire life until now, I have been very underweight and skinny.  I would much prefer to look the way I look now as opposed to how I looked 4 or five years ago.  Hands down.  I do have to admit though, that it is kinda weird when I see pictures of myself now and then pictures from before, I almost don't even recognize myself.  It looks like 2 completely different people.  So I suppose it has just been a bit of an adjustment for me to get comfortable in my new skin, so to speak. 

Recently, I decided to make a serious effort at getting back into shape.  This time around though, my goal isn't to see how much I can bench or how big I can get.  Just a general improvement to my overall level of fitness.  I wanted to start doing more cardio, and by more cardio, I mean ANY at all.  I also wanted to work on getting my core in better shape, and more toned.  When you are going to the gym regularly, you tend to just feel healthier and better in general.  You have more energy, sleep better, and simply just FEEL better.  At least I do anyways. 

So far, it has been slow progress.  I have only been running for about 15 minutes at a time with each workout, but considering that I never did any cardio before, this is a big improvement.  My goal has been to go to the gym about 3 times a week, because I have a life and other things to do outside of the gym. :)  So far for the past month and a half, I have made it.  When I first started running on the treadmill, I barely lasted 15 minutes before I felt like I couldn't breathe and was going to pass out.  Now I can hit my 15 minutes without hardly breaking a sweat, and feel great.  It's kinda nice being able to take a deep breathe, and really feeling like your filling your lungs. 

Today, I went to the gym, and ran for the usual 15 minutes, and then went on to working my chest and arms.  Kinda fun.  I typically do about the same weight with all of my exercises, and tend to stick to a normal routine or sorts.  Again, my goal has just been to improve my fitness level and feel healthier.  I noticed a significant difference today though, as I was feeling the need to add weight and reps to all of my exercises, and still felt great at the end of each set.  Sounds a little silly, but it was significant enough that I noticed and recognized the change. 



Point of story:  Get active and get healthy.  You'll feel better.  One way or another...

The Gym, Douche Bags, and other awkward moments.

If you live in Utah and are between the ages of 18-35, then chances are you are a Gold's Gym member.  At least that is my observation.  I remember when I first started going a few years ago, there was always plenty of parking spaces and I had free reign to use whatever machine I wanted.  It was kinda nice. 

Times have changed.

Now, it takes me a good 10 minutes of aimless driving in the parking lot to find a place to park, regardless of which location I go to.  There are 5 locations in Utah Valley alone.  By this fact alone, you would think that the vast majority of the people alone in Utah Valley are in great shape, and somewhat attractive.  Also not the case.  All this seems to have done is manufacture a large population of douche bags. 

I'm not usually this cynical, but seriously people.  If you are not going to actually work out and be productive at the gym, please don't go to the gym and take up space that other people could do something productive with.  It's like the gym has become the new breeding grounds for jocks and cheerleaders post high school.  Meat market.  Dudes walking around puffing out their chests looking at girls puffing out their chests.  I can't believe that some of these girls get this dressed up just to come to the gym.  Makeup fully done, and color coordinated matching outfits.  And the best part is the glass walls outside of the "Dance class" room so that all the D-bag pervs can stare at the girls stretching, bouncing and bending over.  You're not fooling anybody dudes.  Walk away and try to calm yourselves down. 

When I go to the gym, I try to keep to myself and focus on why I'm there.  To work out.  I do not go there to socialize.  Typically, I have my headphones on and music blaring loud to drown out any other noise, which helps me stay somewhat amped and focused on what I'm doing.  I am not going to pretend that I don't notice the plethora of hotness around me at nearly all times.  It's quite distracting to be honest.  But I do not go to the gym to meet girls, and don't think that I could ever bring myself to even hit on a girl that I saw at the gym.  It's just too cliche.  I don't want to be that guy.  I refuse to be one of those douche bags. 

And this brings me to an awkward moment that I experienced yesterday at the gym in American Fork.  It was chest and arms day for me, and I was at the tail end of my workout.  I walked up to the fly deck station to the end unit, and it looked like the girl who was currently doing a triceps push down was finishing up her set.  I walked up and as she finished her set, I asked her if she was done.  She replied, "I still have 2 more sets, but you can work in with me if you want.."  So I did.  I put my earbud back in my ear and adjusted the weight from where she had it to where I wanted it.  As I started my set, I couldn't help but notice that she was standing rather uncomfortably close and watching me.  I instantly felt myself turning red and could feel my face getting hotter.  How retarded.  I hurried through my set, and then went to adjust the weight back down to where she had it set previously and stepped back.  She smiled, and then went on to do her set as I walked over to get a quick drink of water.  I walked back up just as she was finishing her set, and she asked me what I had the weight set to.  I told her 160, and she gave me a funny look.  Then she laughed and said that was 4 times as much as she was doing.  I gave kind of a half laugh and awkward smile, and then said "Thanks." 

Thanks for what?  I don't know.

Now here is where the awkward moment happens.  Just as I was about 4-5 reps into my set, I feel something touch my arm.  I quickly looked up and this girl is touching the backside of my arm with the back of her hand.  She says, "You've got pretty big arms..." and then smiles and walks away. 

For a minute or two, I stood there thinking to myself.  Was she just making a friendly observation?  Was she trying to flirt with me?  Was she being sarcastic?  I was completely caught off guard and confused.  I finished my last set just in time to see that she had walked up to some dude that was sitting at a chest station.  She smiled and faced him as she reached him, then picked up his shaker cup and took a big drink of some funky red drink.  This dude has to be her boyfriend.  Further bewildered, I did my last set and then walked away. 

Today, I was at the gym again after work.  Thought I would make it a quick workout, and hit the 8th North gym instead.  I decided to skip the cardio and just go straight to the weights to work my back, shoulders, and core.  My plan was to stick to 2 sets of 15 reps for each exercise and keep moving.  This way I would keep up my cardio and hopefully finish up quicker as well.  Just as I was especially out of breath and winded, I looked up and saw a friend from high school.  She's pretty cute.....and tall.  I felt especially awkward as she gave me a hug and then I realized how tall she is.  Holy cow.  All I could think of was how not toned my core is.  Kind of retarded. 

I think I'm done going to the gym this week.  ha ha

Seattle

Today was a fairly long day at work.  Long in the sense that I don't usually work on the weekends and also because I was the only one on that side of the building for the majority of the day.  I'm lucky enough to sit right next to the window, so I had a nice view of Mt. Timpanogas all day long, and lots of rain.  Rain isn't usually all that special, except that it is fairly uncommon to be getting a nice rain storm all day long in the middle of January in Utah.  Usually we have quite a bit of snow by now, but it has been a relatively dry winter thus far.

As I watched the rain throughout the day as it seemed to pick up and come down in random torrents, I was reminded of my year in Seattle.  I managed a store up there for just over a year, in Kent actually, which is just about a 15 minute drive south of Seattle.  It was a tough year to say the least.  I worked a lot.  In fact, it's a pretty fair statement to say that is how I spent the majority of my time.  Inside a store working.  I don't remember too much else from living there other than the rain.  It seemed constant.  We only had about 2 1/2 months of sunshine while I lived there.  The rest of the year was spent in a constant drizzle or mist.  It's kind of funny because, after a while, you totally get used to it and almost don't even notice it anymore.  Everything was so different up there.  I remember that the sidewalks were different and almost didn't even have the appearance of being wet when it rained. 

Another really neat thing about living in North Western Washington, was all the green.  Everything there is so vividly green all year long!  There were so many amazing trees and plants everywhere you went.  It was truly beautiful.  I loved taking the kids for drives into the numerous forest areas to see all the cool trees covered in moss. 

One of our favorite places to go, was actually this little forested area by our house in Kent, which was right behind this elementary school.  We called it "The Secret Forrest".  As you walked towards the back of the far field and playground of this school, there was a small break / corridor in the fence that led to a paved trail through this very thick Forested area.  Often times we would see Deer, Squirrels, Beavers, and other small animals running around in there.  But it was so quiet and peaceful.  The only sounds were the faint rustlings of the trees in the cool breeze, crickets, and the occasional bird.  The trail appeared to be some sort  of jogging / walking trail to a nearby country club, but I always told the kids that it was so that the trolls didn't get lost.  It was great, they were always a little bit scared, but would always ask to go there again and again to look for the trolls or fairies that lived in "The Secret Forrest". 

While I understand that some people have a hard time with the lack of sunshine there, I didn't seem to have a problem with it.  I kind of enjoyed the constant fresh smell of rain in the air, and complete lack of snow.....ha ha.  It did snow a few inches there 2 or three times while we were there, but it typically didn't stick or last for more than a few hours.  While living there with 9 out of 12 months a year with rain and overcast skies can be somewhat daunting, the several months of sunshine during the summer definitely made up for it.  You get perfect, clear blue skies with the temps pretty much consistently in the mid 70's.  It was absolutely beautiful. 

I also great pretty fond of Mt. Rainier while we were there as well.  It is such an amazing and humbling site to see in person.  In Utah, I think we take the Mountains for granted because we are surrounded by them on all sides.  In Seattle, Mt. Rainier stands as this vast and ominous mountain all alone to the south horizon.  You gain a lot of respect for it as you are flying into Seatac International Airport and see the top of it poking through the clouds just as the plane is starting to descend.  Especially when you think about the fact that it is technically still an active volcano, and is about overdue for an eruption. 

Pretty amazing view if you ask me.  :)

There were lots of things that I really enjoyed about living in Seattle.  I loved our quiet little neighborhood.  I loved our awesome neighbors and friends that we made there.  I loved the random food joints I could find everywhere.  I loved the scenery, and I loved the atmosphere that is Seattle.  My only regrets were that I worked too much and wasn't able to enjoy as much of the area as I would have liked.  I still want to kayak through the Puget Sound.  I still want to hike Mt. Rainier.  I still want to go to Forks, just so that I can flip it off for it's contribution to the Twilight series.  Alas, someday I still just might.

:)

Enjoy life and don't hold back.

I've been starting to see a lot of posts from people making their rounds of the usual New Years resolutions.  A lot of people are going the usual path of "getting back in shape", exercising more, and perhaps even eating better.  Some people are claiming that they will finally drop their vices in an effort for self improvement.  Sometimes it's just going on a diet, cutting out a negative substance from their body such as alcohol, smoking, or drugs.  The resolutions take on a typical format, and usually aren't followed.  I can see this happening every year at the gym.  It seems like in January the gym suddenly gets extra crowded and it lasts for maybe a month or so.  If that long.  Most people can't keep it up and end up falling right back into the old familiar comfort zone of life.  This is exactly why I hate to say that I have a New Years resolution for too much of anything. 

But this coming year, I want things to be different.  It's been a tough couple of years for me, and I am in a different phase of my life now.  I am a parent.  I am single.  I've been thinking a lot the past couple of months about what I've done with my life, and where I'm at now.  I don't regret where I've been by any means.  It has shaped me to become the person that I am today.  I do, however, feel like I gave up a lot of things in the best interest of having a family and getting married.  There were a lot of things that I used to do, that I felt like I had to give up.  Perhaps in a way, I have lost myself in the process. 

I'm finding that I am in a much better place in my life now, and am a lot happier.  I have a good job, make decent money, and have a lot more free time on my hands than I used to.  The majority of the time, I don't have any idea what to do.  I've ended up watching a lot of movies, and killing time more often than I'd like to admit.  Now don't get me wrong.  I am not complaining.  I just feel like there are better things that I could be doing with my time.  Things that I'm missing out on. 

In 2012, I want to enjoy life more.  I want to get out of my apartment more often, and have fun.  I want to go kayaking.  I want to go rock climbing.  I want to exercise.  I want to go to more concerts.  I want to spend more time with friends and family.  I want to go on a road trip or two.  I want to take my Squeek to Disneyland and surfing in the ocean.  I want to take a couple good vacations.  Maybe go on a cruise.  Why not?  Life is good, and I want to enjoy it more. 

I would love to buy my own kayak, and just load it up randomly on the weekends and take off.  Go camping to some random lake, and explore.  How amazing would it be to just take off and skim across some random lake that you've never been to before, and be the first person to break it in?

Maybe even go ocean kayaking again down in Southern California.  That was something that I used to love doing with my Pops.  It would be awesome to do that again now that I'm an adult.  I could take Preslie out on the water and kayak past the Sea Lions at Corona del Mar.  I bet she would love it.

Change is constant in life.  It's unavoidable.  Just when you start to think that you have things a little bit figured out, and have found a rhythm, it can implode and change.  This is where I am now in life.  I want to make the most of it, and enjoy my life more.  I want to do more of the things that I've always been curious about, and wanted to do.  I'm tired of just talking about those things, and saying that I'm going to do them sooner or later.  I am only getting older.  I want Preslie to have more experiences that she'll always remember as she gets older.  Good memories of vacations with her Daddy and time well spent. 

Some of my favorite memories with my Dad were some of the fun vacations we got to go on with him.  One summer, he took my Brother Steve and I to see the Grand Canyon, and then to Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico.  It was amazing!  Another fond memory was the vacation when he took us to Mt. McKinley.  I remember that he only brought this tiny little pup tent for us to camp in at the base camp there, where there was currently a very high bear warning in effect.  The tent was only made for 1 adult, so there was no way that all three of us were going to fit in there.  He told us that one of us, meaning either Me, or Steve would have to sleep outside the tent.  I don't remember who ended up volunteering to do it, but he laughed and ended up having Steve and I sleep in the tent of course.  We were sure that bears were still going to get us all night.  Ha ha ha.....good times.  My Dad loved to tease, and still does.  I'm sure that I got a little bit of that from him. 

Needless to say, I am very excited for what this next year holds.  I want it to be fun, and full of adventures.  Not just for me, but also for Preslie as well. 

Heart attack.

So the other night I was putting Preslie to sleep, and she was very particular about me staying in bed and not leaving her.  She kept asking me if I was going to go upstairs, or stay and go to sleep with her.  I was explaining to her that Daddy doesn't always go to bed at the same time as her, and that she didn't need to worry about that.  She just needed to go to sleep.  At one point she even tried to get me to pinky promise that I wouldn't go back upstairs.  I refused of course, because I do not want to ever break a promise to her.  Especially when I just as well as she apparently did that I had full intentions of going back upstairs to watch a movie.  I asked her why she didn't want me to go upstairs, and she said because she gets scared because my room is so dark.  I told her that she could sleep in HER room if she didn't like it, to which she quickly stopped complaining and rethought her dilemma. 

Finally, after a good 10-15 minutes of snuggling with her, she was fast asleep and starting to snore, so I quietly snuck back upstairs and turned on a movie.  I guess that I was more tired than I thought, because I don't remember actually watching too much of it, and then fell asleep.

Next thing I knew, I was waking up on the couch upstairs to the sound of a very frightened cry coming from my Daughter. 

I don't remember how, or what went through my head, except that she was in trouble and flew off the couch.  Yes, I said flew.  I nearly missed the first flight of stairs and jumped to the bottom of the second set.  All I knew was that it was dark, and Preslie was crying and I didn't know why.  Before I could rationalize any further, I was in my room and had jumped into the bed with her to hold her.  My heart was beating nearly out of my chest, and I realized that I hadn't breathed out yet.  She said that she woke up from a bad dream and didn't know where I was, and was scared. 

I don't remember what time it was, but I do remember that I lay there for the rest of the night until I could see the sunlight starting to burn through my curtains.  I don't remember why it startled me so bad either.  Preslie has woken up plenty of times during the night before, and I usually just go back downstairs and then work on getting her back to sleep.  For whatever reason though, it scared the crap out of me that night. 

I wonder if it's just because I fell asleep upstairs.  Perhaps it was just waking up and being a little bit disoriented, and hearing my Daughter crying from a distance.  Yikes.  That was a pretty horrible feeling though.  It just makes me think that I need to work on getting her to sleep in her own bed again.  Why is that?  Because.

Perspective.

While I was finding pictures for my most recent blog post, I came across a lot of old pictures from while I was still married.  A lot of the pictures reminded me of pain and unhappy times.  There was also a lot of pictures in there that just reminded me of the good times as well.  I wasn't entirely miserable while I was married, and to say so would just be a bad lie.  Those were definitely some of the best times of my life, and I felt like it was important to say so. 

I think that recently I've only been focusing on the negative times and things that have happened.  I don't want to forget the good times though.  To be honest, most of those good memories involve my Kids.  A lot of these pictures captured memories that are very special and meaningful to me. 

Normally, these would be very private to me, and I would not want to share them.  But, I have decided to put a few of those memories on here as a reminder to myself that there were happy times in there as well.

Of course hindsight is usually 20/20.  I think that it's important to change my focus and put a different perspective on my past.  I am grateful for all the good times that I've had.  I've grateful for all of my Kids, and the time I was lucky enough to have spent with them.  Sure there were some hard times mixed in there, along with a lot of heartache.  They were worth every tear and hour of lost sleep I've experienced.  I would do it all again in a heart beat.  I hope that they know that and don't forget about me. I was lucky enough to have been their Daddy for a good chunk of their lives.  To me, it has meant the world.  I will always think of them and be their Daddy in my heart.

Forgiveness = Change

Forgiveness, is more than saying sorry. 

I've struggled with forgiving a certain someone for a long time now.  To be entirely honest, I don't know that I can completely forgive her for some of the things that happened between us.  Some of the things that she continues to do.  I can get over the personal hurt, the cheating, the lies, the broken promises, and the horrible things she's said.  There are a lot of things I can forgive.  But there are a couple of things I can't bring myself to forgive. 

One of those things, was trying to keep me from spending any time with or even seeing my Daughter during the early phases of our divorce.  Not just because of the pain it caused me, but for keeping my Squeek from having her Daddy in her life.  I don't ever want my little girl to think that she is unloved or unwanted.  She will always know that her Daddy loves her.  No matter what.

I feel like I've experienced a full spectrum of emotions in the past couple of years.  I honestly don't know what kept me going through all of it.  Had it not been for some of my wonderful friends and family, I do not know where I would be now.  Even if it was just something as simple as listening to me bitch and vent about stuff.  It helped.  So from the bottom of my heart, thank you. 

After the divorce was finally over, I felt this immense relief and as if a giant weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  It was also right about this same time that I was finally able to move into my own place again, and have some privacy.  I had a new job, had recently been promoted, and was coming to the end of the classes I was taking at school.  More importantly, I finally felt like there was some stability with my Daughter and that I didn't have to worry about all the details anymore.  It was the biggest relief.  Best feeling ever.  I was on such a high at the time, that I started feeling like perhaps I was ready to start dating again.  I had been separated from my ex for more than a year by then, and admittedly was feeling kinda lonely.  I missed my family, and missed being with someone who actually cared about me. 

I started dating this girl, and boy was I in for a surprise.  Things were great, and I hadn't been that happy in a LONG time.  In fact, I was almost too happy, if there's such a thing.  I wasn't used to all the positive things about this girl.  It kind of freaked me out, to be honest.  Long story short, I ended up sabotaging the relationship.  I really don't have anything negative to say about her either.  Even now.  What I did realize though, is that I am full of flaws and have a lot to work on.  One of those things, was to really forgive the ex and try to let go of the resentment I have been feeling towards her. 

Recently, a good friend of mine gave me some really good advice.  She said, "If you want to stop hating your ex so much, start referring to her by her name.  It'll make you see her as a person, not an object of your despising.  It'll be good for you."

There was a time when even the mention of her name would make me irate and send me up the walls.  I started calling her "The Architect of My Misfortune" instead, and it just stuck.  As silly as it may seem, the advice of my friend really hit home.  She was totally right.  I needed to let that go.  I need to move on.  I need to forgive her.  Even when I've talked to her on the phone, when I've had to in the past, I've called her "The Devil" or something similar.  How can I ever expect her to show me any respect or be a decent person when that is how I treat her?  She's going to be in my life, like it or not, for awhile.  Perhaps I should start taking some steps to at least improve our communication?  Really. It needs to be done for our Daughters sake. 

I made it a point to not call her "The Architect" or anything else derogatory this last week, and it felt good.  I either used her real name, Mandie, or just referred to her as "the Ex".  In a way, it was kind of refreshing.

I have been feeling a lot more balanced in my life recently.  I'm not under giant amounts of stress anymore, and feel like I can finally relax.  I have a happy, healthy, beautiful, and smart little girl.  I have a great job, and make decent money.  I have a nice car that I actually like for a change.  I don't have to work more than 40 hours a week anymore or even crazy, crappy hours either.  I have some great friends and family, and I'm healthy.  When I look back at the last 7-8 years of my life and all the changes, I almost don't even recognize myself anymore.  I was under such extreme stress before, and it took a serious toll on me.  Even physically you can see how unhappy and unhealthy I was. 

Before marriage:

During Marriage:

After Separation and Divorce:

Kind of crazy when you look at it that way.  Pictures really do tell a thousand words.  Needless to say, I am a lot happier now, and I think it shows.  :)