Forgiveness = Change

Forgiveness, is more than saying sorry. 

I've struggled with forgiving a certain someone for a long time now.  To be entirely honest, I don't know that I can completely forgive her for some of the things that happened between us.  Some of the things that she continues to do.  I can get over the personal hurt, the cheating, the lies, the broken promises, and the horrible things she's said.  There are a lot of things I can forgive.  But there are a couple of things I can't bring myself to forgive. 

One of those things, was trying to keep me from spending any time with or even seeing my Daughter during the early phases of our divorce.  Not just because of the pain it caused me, but for keeping my Squeek from having her Daddy in her life.  I don't ever want my little girl to think that she is unloved or unwanted.  She will always know that her Daddy loves her.  No matter what.

I feel like I've experienced a full spectrum of emotions in the past couple of years.  I honestly don't know what kept me going through all of it.  Had it not been for some of my wonderful friends and family, I do not know where I would be now.  Even if it was just something as simple as listening to me bitch and vent about stuff.  It helped.  So from the bottom of my heart, thank you. 

After the divorce was finally over, I felt this immense relief and as if a giant weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  It was also right about this same time that I was finally able to move into my own place again, and have some privacy.  I had a new job, had recently been promoted, and was coming to the end of the classes I was taking at school.  More importantly, I finally felt like there was some stability with my Daughter and that I didn't have to worry about all the details anymore.  It was the biggest relief.  Best feeling ever.  I was on such a high at the time, that I started feeling like perhaps I was ready to start dating again.  I had been separated from my ex for more than a year by then, and admittedly was feeling kinda lonely.  I missed my family, and missed being with someone who actually cared about me. 

I started dating this girl, and boy was I in for a surprise.  Things were great, and I hadn't been that happy in a LONG time.  In fact, I was almost too happy, if there's such a thing.  I wasn't used to all the positive things about this girl.  It kind of freaked me out, to be honest.  Long story short, I ended up sabotaging the relationship.  I really don't have anything negative to say about her either.  Even now.  What I did realize though, is that I am full of flaws and have a lot to work on.  One of those things, was to really forgive the ex and try to let go of the resentment I have been feeling towards her. 

Recently, a good friend of mine gave me some really good advice.  She said, "If you want to stop hating your ex so much, start referring to her by her name.  It'll make you see her as a person, not an object of your despising.  It'll be good for you."

There was a time when even the mention of her name would make me irate and send me up the walls.  I started calling her "The Architect of My Misfortune" instead, and it just stuck.  As silly as it may seem, the advice of my friend really hit home.  She was totally right.  I needed to let that go.  I need to move on.  I need to forgive her.  Even when I've talked to her on the phone, when I've had to in the past, I've called her "The Devil" or something similar.  How can I ever expect her to show me any respect or be a decent person when that is how I treat her?  She's going to be in my life, like it or not, for awhile.  Perhaps I should start taking some steps to at least improve our communication?  Really. It needs to be done for our Daughters sake. 

I made it a point to not call her "The Architect" or anything else derogatory this last week, and it felt good.  I either used her real name, Mandie, or just referred to her as "the Ex".  In a way, it was kind of refreshing.

I have been feeling a lot more balanced in my life recently.  I'm not under giant amounts of stress anymore, and feel like I can finally relax.  I have a happy, healthy, beautiful, and smart little girl.  I have a great job, and make decent money.  I have a nice car that I actually like for a change.  I don't have to work more than 40 hours a week anymore or even crazy, crappy hours either.  I have some great friends and family, and I'm healthy.  When I look back at the last 7-8 years of my life and all the changes, I almost don't even recognize myself anymore.  I was under such extreme stress before, and it took a serious toll on me.  Even physically you can see how unhappy and unhealthy I was. 

Before marriage:

During Marriage:

After Separation and Divorce:

Kind of crazy when you look at it that way.  Pictures really do tell a thousand words.  Needless to say, I am a lot happier now, and I think it shows.  :)