I am not the man I used to be. I have evolved. I have changed. I have grown. I feel differently about matters I used to be passionate about. I think differently. I feel different. I act different. I am different.
I am not as generous as I used to be. I am more guarded now in matters of love and friendship. I used to crave love, affection, and physical contact from the ones I love. Now, I have found that there are more important connections in a happy relationship. Physical attraction and compatibility is important, but it is definitely not the most important thing to me.
I used to be more consistent with my wants and desires. Now I am fickle. What I want seems to evolve from day to day.
Most of my friends have been my friends for quite some time. Some since High School, some from Junior High, and some from even before that. Regardless of when, they are close friends and I value each and every one of them. They are important to me, and we share experiences that are unique to and significant in my life.
I look different. All through High School, I weighed about 130-140 lbs. During my marriage, I weighed between 150-170 lbs. Now, I weigh about 205 lbs. I'm definitely a bit softer around the middle than I'd like to be, but overall, I much prefer the way I look and feel now as opposed to before.
I am Father. In about a month, I will also be a Grandpa. That is what Kalie keeps telling me anyways. I think it's really more of an honorary position though, sort of like an "Honorary Pallbearer" at a funeral. Odd that I used an analogy about death for that one. Ha.
I love spending time with my Daughter more than anything else on this planet. She is my life, my love, and easily the best thing I've ever done. I would happily fore go any other activity to spend time with her. If I do nothing else right in my life, I want to be the best Father to my children. Perhaps that will be my greatest achievement in life. I am OK with that.
I used to hate being alone. I pretty much always wanted to be in the company of others. Most of the time it was my friends, sometimes it was my family, and sometimes it was my coworkers. I have learned that sometimes I like to be alone. I don't want to be alone all the time, or even most of the time. But there are definitely times when I just want to come home and relax and enjoy some me time. Does that make me selfish? Perhaps. My Daughter is the one person in my life that I can't get enough of. I never feel like I need a break from her.
I am happy. For the first time in my life, I feel genuinely happy. I have learned to appreciate what I do have in my life. I don't own a business, I don't own a house, I don't own a boat, but I am OK with that. I am in a good place in my life, and want to enjoy everything it has to offer.
I would like to find a person that will be my partner in life. Someone who has common interests and goals as me. Someone who at the end of the day still wants to put up with my crap, and accept me for who I am. I want to find someone who makes me want to be a better man. I am OK with that. I know I am not perfect, but I do feel like I have a lot to offer. That said, I am not in a hurry to make this happen either. I truly believe that it will happen when the time is right. I saw a quote today that I really liked, although I do not know who it is from.
Realize that love is nothing action.
Trust is nothing without proof.
Regret is nothing without change.
Despite all of these changes, I am still me. The core of me is still the same. My soul is still the same. My desire to be honest, and a good man have not changed. I don't have everything figured out just yet, but I have a better grasp on life and myself that I did before. If life has a purpose, I would think that it is self-mastery. I'm doing it my way, and I'm OK with that.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Relax in the grass.
Today was a truly amazing day. I can't remember the last time I was this happy and genuinely content with my life either. To be entirely honest, I can't say that anything happened that was so out of the ordinary either, but I had a great day nonetheless.
My day started with being woke up as Preslie crawled into my bed with her stuffed bunny. She had a big smile, and looked very cute in her brand new Hello Kitty pajamas and slippers. She gave me a big kiss and told me that she had good dreams and slept in her bed all night, cuz she's a big girl. Next, we came upstairs and I made some French Toast for us for breakfast. and we sat down to watch "We Bought a Zoo". After it was over, I took a shower, and then gave Preslie a bath. She picked one of her new outfits to wear, and then got herself dressed. It was one of those parenting moments where I was so proud to see her do everything herself, including brushing her own teeth, and flossing without being told.
Next, we went to a couple of stores and then ended up going to the new Get Air Hang Time Trampoline Park in Orem, and had a great time playing together. When that was done, it was time for lunch, so we stopped by the mall and grabbed some Panda Express. Preslie ate all of her food, and even asked for water instead of root beer for her drink. I was a little surprised to be completely honest.
The weather was so nice today too. Everywhere we drove, we had the windows in my car down, and Preslie had her head by the window, and asked me to take out her pigtails so that her hair could blow in the wind. It was kind of the most adorable thing ever. She had her eyes closed, and a big smile on her face as we drove as her hair was blowing in the wind next to the window.
I asked her what she wanted to do next, and she said that we should go fly her kite, because it was a little bit windy. Previously, we did not have too much success, as our attempts to fly it were just in my apartment complex, and there just wasn't enough space. There were also too many trees and things in the way to keep the kite in the air. I asked her where we should go to fly the kite, and she quickly said "Castle Park!" which is what we call the Discovery Park over in Pleasant Grove. I told her that was a great idea, and then we headed down there. When we got there, we went out to one of the big baseball fields, and started to fly the kite. It immediately took to the air and kept a steady course there for the next half hour or so. Preslie took over controlling the kite, and could not have been more excited or happy, as it was her first time ever flying a kite. She ended up laying in the grass next to me, and just silently held onto the kite and watched it fly for a good 20 minutes or so, all the while with a big smile on her face. As we lay there watching the kite fly, I had an enormous sense of calm and feeling of content come over me. I thought to myself, "This is a happy moment."
When we decided it was time to stop flying the kite, we put it away and then played at the park for another good 1 1/2 to 2 hours. It was great. Just my little Preslie and me. We had a ton of fun. On our way home, we stopped at Supersonic and washed my car, and then she helped me vacuum it as well. Next, we came home and finished cleaning up her room, and then her Mom picked her up. The entire day was filled with smiles and laughter, and I loved every minute of it.
My day started with being woke up as Preslie crawled into my bed with her stuffed bunny. She had a big smile, and looked very cute in her brand new Hello Kitty pajamas and slippers. She gave me a big kiss and told me that she had good dreams and slept in her bed all night, cuz she's a big girl. Next, we came upstairs and I made some French Toast for us for breakfast. and we sat down to watch "We Bought a Zoo". After it was over, I took a shower, and then gave Preslie a bath. She picked one of her new outfits to wear, and then got herself dressed. It was one of those parenting moments where I was so proud to see her do everything herself, including brushing her own teeth, and flossing without being told.
Next, we went to a couple of stores and then ended up going to the new Get Air Hang Time Trampoline Park in Orem, and had a great time playing together. When that was done, it was time for lunch, so we stopped by the mall and grabbed some Panda Express. Preslie ate all of her food, and even asked for water instead of root beer for her drink. I was a little surprised to be completely honest.
The weather was so nice today too. Everywhere we drove, we had the windows in my car down, and Preslie had her head by the window, and asked me to take out her pigtails so that her hair could blow in the wind. It was kind of the most adorable thing ever. She had her eyes closed, and a big smile on her face as we drove as her hair was blowing in the wind next to the window.
I asked her what she wanted to do next, and she said that we should go fly her kite, because it was a little bit windy. Previously, we did not have too much success, as our attempts to fly it were just in my apartment complex, and there just wasn't enough space. There were also too many trees and things in the way to keep the kite in the air. I asked her where we should go to fly the kite, and she quickly said "Castle Park!" which is what we call the Discovery Park over in Pleasant Grove. I told her that was a great idea, and then we headed down there. When we got there, we went out to one of the big baseball fields, and started to fly the kite. It immediately took to the air and kept a steady course there for the next half hour or so. Preslie took over controlling the kite, and could not have been more excited or happy, as it was her first time ever flying a kite. She ended up laying in the grass next to me, and just silently held onto the kite and watched it fly for a good 20 minutes or so, all the while with a big smile on her face. As we lay there watching the kite fly, I had an enormous sense of calm and feeling of content come over me. I thought to myself, "This is a happy moment."
When we decided it was time to stop flying the kite, we put it away and then played at the park for another good 1 1/2 to 2 hours. It was great. Just my little Preslie and me. We had a ton of fun. On our way home, we stopped at Supersonic and washed my car, and then she helped me vacuum it as well. Next, we came home and finished cleaning up her room, and then her Mom picked her up. The entire day was filled with smiles and laughter, and I loved every minute of it.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Sacrifices
I'm finding out that my priorities are changing more and more as I get older. Sometimes, I look back at how I was in my past, and realize how intensely selfish I was. To be honest, I'm probably still pretty selfish. When I was married, I truly felt like I gave 100% to my family. I worked my ass off, and gave up a lot of stuff. One thing was always off limits though, and that was my guitars and music stuff.
I held onto that with some sort of strange stubborn passion. I wouldn't let my wife touch my guitars, or my kids. They were mine. They were the one thing that was off limits. They were my babies. My basses and guitars had been my passion and portal into music, creativity, and life for so many years. So many memories were associated with them. It was a part of my past that I just refused to give up. It was like they were my connection to youth. When I first separated from my Wife, I left with nothing. I suppose that isn't entirely true. I left with some clothes in my car, and my guitars. Short of my kids, who I couldn't really take with me at the time, they were the only things in the world that I cared about. Sounds pretty silly.
When I was going through the divorce, I ended up having to sell one of my basses so that I could pay off my lawyer. That was really hard for me. I hated doing it, but life happened and lawyers aren't cheap. I had to do what I had to do.
Recently, I sold my other bass. Not completely out of necessity though. I had not really touched the thing much since I had bought it back in 2008. It was a 6 string Ibanez bass, and to be quite honest, I didn't really enjoy playing it all that much. I wanted to try out playing a 6-string bass, but ended up not liking it. After planning out my budget for the summer, I decided that I would rather sell it and perhaps use the money to buy a mountain bike and kayak if I could find ones that I liked. Selling the bass wasn't hard either. I posted it on KSL.com and within 1/2 an hour, it was sold. When it came time for the guy to come pick it up, I got a little sad about it though. Not because I loved that particular bass, but because it was the last bass I owned. Watching it go out the door was like watching a part of myself die off, and then I wasn't sad anymore. I know that not too far down the road I'll be able get another one. t What was more exciting to me than getting a mountain bike or a kayak though, was having some extra cash so that I could go guy Preslie a new wardrobe. That kid keeps growing and growing, and has had a pretty big growth spurt this last year. She has seriously grown out of ALL of her clothes.
I wanted her to have nice new clothes, more than I wanted those other things. The majority of the time when Preslie is dropped off by her Mother, I've noticed that she is wearing hand me downs. Things that I remember buying her sisters years and years ago when we were still married. That isn't the worst thing in the world. I know that a lot of families simply can't afford to buy the newest or nicest clothes for their kids, and hand-me-downs are normal. For whatever reason though, this seemed important to me. My job as her parent is to make sure that she is well taken care of. I want her to have the best, and to spoil her. As long as she doesn't start acting spoiled, I think that is perfectly fine. I am certainly OK with going without certain things if it will make things better for my Daughter. Life is good, and I am thankful for the opportunity and ability to do so.
:)
I held onto that with some sort of strange stubborn passion. I wouldn't let my wife touch my guitars, or my kids. They were mine. They were the one thing that was off limits. They were my babies. My basses and guitars had been my passion and portal into music, creativity, and life for so many years. So many memories were associated with them. It was a part of my past that I just refused to give up. It was like they were my connection to youth. When I first separated from my Wife, I left with nothing. I suppose that isn't entirely true. I left with some clothes in my car, and my guitars. Short of my kids, who I couldn't really take with me at the time, they were the only things in the world that I cared about. Sounds pretty silly.
When I was going through the divorce, I ended up having to sell one of my basses so that I could pay off my lawyer. That was really hard for me. I hated doing it, but life happened and lawyers aren't cheap. I had to do what I had to do.
Recently, I sold my other bass. Not completely out of necessity though. I had not really touched the thing much since I had bought it back in 2008. It was a 6 string Ibanez bass, and to be quite honest, I didn't really enjoy playing it all that much. I wanted to try out playing a 6-string bass, but ended up not liking it. After planning out my budget for the summer, I decided that I would rather sell it and perhaps use the money to buy a mountain bike and kayak if I could find ones that I liked. Selling the bass wasn't hard either. I posted it on KSL.com and within 1/2 an hour, it was sold. When it came time for the guy to come pick it up, I got a little sad about it though. Not because I loved that particular bass, but because it was the last bass I owned. Watching it go out the door was like watching a part of myself die off, and then I wasn't sad anymore. I know that not too far down the road I'll be able get another one. t What was more exciting to me than getting a mountain bike or a kayak though, was having some extra cash so that I could go guy Preslie a new wardrobe. That kid keeps growing and growing, and has had a pretty big growth spurt this last year. She has seriously grown out of ALL of her clothes.
I wanted her to have nice new clothes, more than I wanted those other things. The majority of the time when Preslie is dropped off by her Mother, I've noticed that she is wearing hand me downs. Things that I remember buying her sisters years and years ago when we were still married. That isn't the worst thing in the world. I know that a lot of families simply can't afford to buy the newest or nicest clothes for their kids, and hand-me-downs are normal. For whatever reason though, this seemed important to me. My job as her parent is to make sure that she is well taken care of. I want her to have the best, and to spoil her. As long as she doesn't start acting spoiled, I think that is perfectly fine. I am certainly OK with going without certain things if it will make things better for my Daughter. Life is good, and I am thankful for the opportunity and ability to do so.
:)
Friday, May 4, 2012
What happens next?
So I just finished watching a movie called "Fireproof". I remember watching it before a few years ago, but this time when it was done, I felt pretty angry. Why is that? Who gets mad about that movie?
It brought back a flood of feelings from my failed marriage. I've been holding onto this anger and dislike for my Ex for so long now, but this movie reminded me of some of the good things. It reminded me that at one point I was in love with her. I loved her with all of my heart and gave up everything that was important in my life for her. I have ragged on her quite a bit in some of my posts, and I don't really think that is right. It's always easy to look back in hindsight and reflect on what you should or should not have done. Perhaps I should have listened to my friends and family about her. But where would I be now if I had done that?
Despite all of her flaws, and so many of them are on the surface and plain as the sun for most people to see, she did still have a lot of good qualities. Throughout her life, she has experienced a lot of adversity and things that would leave most people floored. She has always been a fighter though. She fought through those things, and deep down in her heart, way deep down in there, she has had a desire to do what she thinks is right. Not just what is right for her, but what is right for her kids. Does this mean that she is good at it? Absolutely not. One of the things that I loved the most about her, was her silliness. She was always good at making me laugh. Which was not always easy to do, trust me. I am Captain Serious and can be quite grumpy at times.
What I loved the most about her, is ultimately what I have come to hate her for the most as well. When I was with her, I felt like I could be and do anything. I felt invincible. I felt like the world was on my side, and the sky was the limit for me. I genuinely wanted to be a better man, and strived each and every day to be just that. I put away childish things so to speak, and became a man. I became a husband. And I also became a father. She definitely played a part in that. I felt like she gave me the world.
And that is what brings me to the next part. She took my world away from me. Or at least that is how it felt initially when we were going through our divorce. I completely lost myself and my identity when my marriage fell apart. I had devoted everything that I was to my family. My life completely revolved around my job and my family. I gave up so many things when I got married. I gave up my band and playing music in general. I gave up a lot of friends. I gave up my family who did not agree with my decisions. I gave up my money. I gave up my soul.
When the divorce happened, I felt completely lost. I felt a lot of things, but none of them were good. I was forced to rediscover and reinvent myself as well. I had no idea who I was without my kids and my family. I didn't know how to be anymore. I felt like a failure and didn't know how I would be able to go on. I felt like I didn't have any reason to try anymore. Like it didn't really matter what kind of person I was anymore. I felt like garbage, and wanted to disappear from the world. Luckily, I did not do that. I tried to drink myself numb for a while there, but can't say that it helped very much.
How could one person give a man everything, and then reduce him to nothing?
Watching that movie reminded me a lot of failed efforts, and rejected feelings. There is almost nothing else as bad as feeling completely exposed and vulnerable, and then being rejected.
But that was not the end for me. Luckily enough, I have a smart, beautiful, and amazing little Daughter who has kept me afloat. She has truly been the light in the darkness for me. There have been times when I've completely wanted to give up, but she has kept me going. I am so thankful for her.
I am also extremely glad that she looks so much like me. If I had to look at a little mini-Mandie all this time, I think I might have cracked. I do have to give her some credit though, because Preslie definitely has her silliness. She has a few of her Mom's qualities, which I love and also some that drive me absolutely nuts at the same time.
So why was I angry after watching that movie you might ask? I was angry because the movie actually made me cry. If any of you actually know me, you will know that I am not a cryer, and that I kind of hate it when anyone cries. The movie made me cry, and then I got really mad and angry at myself for having those feelings. Men don't cry.
It brought back a flood of feelings from my failed marriage. I've been holding onto this anger and dislike for my Ex for so long now, but this movie reminded me of some of the good things. It reminded me that at one point I was in love with her. I loved her with all of my heart and gave up everything that was important in my life for her. I have ragged on her quite a bit in some of my posts, and I don't really think that is right. It's always easy to look back in hindsight and reflect on what you should or should not have done. Perhaps I should have listened to my friends and family about her. But where would I be now if I had done that?
Despite all of her flaws, and so many of them are on the surface and plain as the sun for most people to see, she did still have a lot of good qualities. Throughout her life, she has experienced a lot of adversity and things that would leave most people floored. She has always been a fighter though. She fought through those things, and deep down in her heart, way deep down in there, she has had a desire to do what she thinks is right. Not just what is right for her, but what is right for her kids. Does this mean that she is good at it? Absolutely not. One of the things that I loved the most about her, was her silliness. She was always good at making me laugh. Which was not always easy to do, trust me. I am Captain Serious and can be quite grumpy at times.
What I loved the most about her, is ultimately what I have come to hate her for the most as well. When I was with her, I felt like I could be and do anything. I felt invincible. I felt like the world was on my side, and the sky was the limit for me. I genuinely wanted to be a better man, and strived each and every day to be just that. I put away childish things so to speak, and became a man. I became a husband. And I also became a father. She definitely played a part in that. I felt like she gave me the world.
And that is what brings me to the next part. She took my world away from me. Or at least that is how it felt initially when we were going through our divorce. I completely lost myself and my identity when my marriage fell apart. I had devoted everything that I was to my family. My life completely revolved around my job and my family. I gave up so many things when I got married. I gave up my band and playing music in general. I gave up a lot of friends. I gave up my family who did not agree with my decisions. I gave up my money. I gave up my soul.
When the divorce happened, I felt completely lost. I felt a lot of things, but none of them were good. I was forced to rediscover and reinvent myself as well. I had no idea who I was without my kids and my family. I didn't know how to be anymore. I felt like a failure and didn't know how I would be able to go on. I felt like I didn't have any reason to try anymore. Like it didn't really matter what kind of person I was anymore. I felt like garbage, and wanted to disappear from the world. Luckily, I did not do that. I tried to drink myself numb for a while there, but can't say that it helped very much.
How could one person give a man everything, and then reduce him to nothing?
Watching that movie reminded me a lot of failed efforts, and rejected feelings. There is almost nothing else as bad as feeling completely exposed and vulnerable, and then being rejected.
But that was not the end for me. Luckily enough, I have a smart, beautiful, and amazing little Daughter who has kept me afloat. She has truly been the light in the darkness for me. There have been times when I've completely wanted to give up, but she has kept me going. I am so thankful for her.
I am also extremely glad that she looks so much like me. If I had to look at a little mini-Mandie all this time, I think I might have cracked. I do have to give her some credit though, because Preslie definitely has her silliness. She has a few of her Mom's qualities, which I love and also some that drive me absolutely nuts at the same time.
So why was I angry after watching that movie you might ask? I was angry because the movie actually made me cry. If any of you actually know me, you will know that I am not a cryer, and that I kind of hate it when anyone cries. The movie made me cry, and then I got really mad and angry at myself for having those feelings. Men don't cry.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)