So I just finished watching a movie called "Fireproof". I remember watching it before a few years ago, but this time when it was done, I felt pretty angry. Why is that? Who gets mad about that movie?
It brought back a flood of feelings from my failed marriage. I've been holding onto this anger and dislike for my Ex for so long now, but this movie reminded me of some of the good things. It reminded me that at one point I was in love with her. I loved her with all of my heart and gave up everything that was important in my life for her. I have ragged on her quite a bit in some of my posts, and I don't really think that is right. It's always easy to look back in hindsight and reflect on what you should or should not have done. Perhaps I should have listened to my friends and family about her. But where would I be now if I had done that?
Despite all of her flaws, and so many of them are on the surface and plain as the sun for most people to see, she did still have a lot of good qualities. Throughout her life, she has experienced a lot of adversity and things that would leave most people floored. She has always been a fighter though. She fought through those things, and deep down in her heart, way deep down in there, she has had a desire to do what she thinks is right. Not just what is right for her, but what is right for her kids. Does this mean that she is good at it? Absolutely not. One of the things that I loved the most about her, was her silliness. She was always good at making me laugh. Which was not always easy to do, trust me. I am Captain Serious and can be quite grumpy at times.
What I loved the most about her, is ultimately what I have come to hate her for the most as well. When I was with her, I felt like I could be and do anything. I felt invincible. I felt like the world was on my side, and the sky was the limit for me. I genuinely wanted to be a better man, and strived each and every day to be just that. I put away childish things so to speak, and became a man. I became a husband. And I also became a father. She definitely played a part in that. I felt like she gave me the world.
And that is what brings me to the next part. She took my world away from me. Or at least that is how it felt initially when we were going through our divorce. I completely lost myself and my identity when my marriage fell apart. I had devoted everything that I was to my family. My life completely revolved around my job and my family. I gave up so many things when I got married. I gave up my band and playing music in general. I gave up a lot of friends. I gave up my family who did not agree with my decisions. I gave up my money. I gave up my soul.
When the divorce happened, I felt completely lost. I felt a lot of things, but none of them were good. I was forced to rediscover and reinvent myself as well. I had no idea who I was without my kids and my family. I didn't know how to be anymore. I felt like a failure and didn't know how I would be able to go on. I felt like I didn't have any reason to try anymore. Like it didn't really matter what kind of person I was anymore. I felt like garbage, and wanted to disappear from the world. Luckily, I did not do that. I tried to drink myself numb for a while there, but can't say that it helped very much.
How could one person give a man everything, and then reduce him to nothing?
Watching that movie reminded me a lot of failed efforts, and rejected feelings. There is almost nothing else as bad as feeling completely exposed and vulnerable, and then being rejected.
But that was not the end for me. Luckily enough, I have a smart, beautiful, and amazing little Daughter who has kept me afloat. She has truly been the light in the darkness for me. There have been times when I've completely wanted to give up, but she has kept me going. I am so thankful for her.
I am also extremely glad that she looks so much like me. If I had to look at a little mini-Mandie all this time, I think I might have cracked. I do have to give her some credit though, because Preslie definitely has her silliness. She has a few of her Mom's qualities, which I love and also some that drive me absolutely nuts at the same time.
So why was I angry after watching that movie you might ask? I was angry because the movie actually made me cry. If any of you actually know me, you will know that I am not a cryer, and that I kind of hate it when anyone cries. The movie made me cry, and then I got really mad and angry at myself for having those feelings. Men don't cry.
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