When was the last time you had a vivid dream? A dream that you remembered after you woke up. The kind of dream that you remembered days later.
The majority of the time, I do not dream. I imagine that I do have dreams, but nothing that I ever remember. I typically go to sleep, then wake up in the morning, with no recollection of what occurred in between.
So the other day, I woke up from this dream that was so realistic and vivid that it took me a little bit to figure out that I had been dreaming and was now awake. In the dream, a couple of days had passed too. I was waking up in the dream, and then going about my day as usual. Only it wasn't my life. I had a wife, who I apparently knew but did not recognize her face. I also had 2 more kids. Preslie was there, but she was a couple years older, and I had 2 more kids. One was a boy who was toddler age, and the third was just a baby, but I don't remember if it was a boy or a girl. I never quite saw that ones face. In the dream, I had just woke up on a weekend, and had a bunch of yard work to do. Preslie and the little Boy were helping me, while my wife was inside with the baby. Before too long , it was getting hot, so we decided to go to the beach. Apparently we lived by the beach.
At the beach, my wife and I were teaching Preslie and the little Boy how to boogie board. Everyone was having so much fun, but then I noticed it wasn't sunny anymore. I started getting worried about how grey the sky looked, because apparently that meant a tidal wave was coming. Then we left the beach, and Preslie was pretty sad about it, and cried the whole way home. Since she was crying, the baby started crying. I remember it being a really long car drive home. Finally, we got home and it was time for bed. I read all of the kids a bedtime story, tucked them into bed, and then snuggled with them until we all fell asleep. For some reason, the kids all slept in one big giant bed. I remember being really tired, but was so happy snuggling up with my kids and seeing their sweet little faces.
Eventually, I woke up, but I was back in my bed. It was Sunday morning, and Preslie was sprawled across my bed, snoring away. When I first woke up, I started looking for my little Boy, and was worried that he had fallen off the side of the bed since I didn't see him. Then I realized I had just been dreaming. I of course was happy to see Preslie, but was a bit sad and disappointed. It's weird how dreams can do that to you. In a dream, you aren't just caught in the moment of what is happening right then and there. It can almost seem that there is a back story, and a history that happened prior to that moment. As if you've lived another life. Kinda weird. Makes me feel like I'm missing something. I never imagined that I would only have one kid, or that I'd get divorced for that matter. I always imagined I would have at least 3-4 kids of my own, and I've always kinda felt like there was supposed to be a boy in there somewhere. Now I'm single, and Preslie is 5. She'll be 6 years old next year. I can't even imagine starting over. Getting married again...having more kids, and changing diapers again seems crazy. Perhaps I've lost my chance. Perhaps things were supposed to be different, but choices and fate have dealt me a new hand. I haven't decided if that is a good thing or not. It's hard not to feel like something is missing in my life.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Once upon a time....
Today is Burklie's 12th birthday. Earlier I was thinking about her and wondering how she is doing. I don't get to see her very much anymore, and it makes me sad. I can't believe that she is 12 already. When I first met Burklie, she was only 3 years old. She had really short hair, and the cutest little elf ears I had ever seen. I'll never forget her tiny little voice, and how clearly she spoke. She was always such an intelligent girl. Amazing at memory games too. She could play the memory card game and would win every time.
Burklie will always hold a really special place in my heart, because she was the first of Mandie's girls that I really got attached to. I will always love all of them, and they will each hold a unique place in my heart forever. Burklie loved to be with me, and always wanted to be close to me. She would ask to come with me everywhere, even just quick trips to the store. She absolutely melted my heart. Rylie had just turned a year old, and Kalie was 9 years old when I started dating Mandie. Rylie was just a baby, and was always easy to love. Kalie was more shy, quiet, and guarded. As such, she was slower to ever really accept me into her life. Burklie on the other hand, had nothing but love for me right from the beginning.
She is such a sensitive little girl. Always has been. Admittedly, I struggled at times with Burklie the most as well. If I even looked at wrong, she would burst into tears and it would seemingly break her little heart. As she grew older, I could see more and more similarities between her and her Mother. I had a really hard time with this, as they weren't necessarily my favorite personality traits. To be completely honest, she would kind of drive me nuts some times. She was always so dramatic. On the girls birthdays, I would get them flowers. Burklie always enjoyed this the most. She loved the attention. I would also try to take all the girls on individual Daddy-Daughter dates when I could. I usually needed to take Burklie first, because she would cry and cry if she thought she was being left out.
When Burklie turned 8 years old, we lived in Washington, and she decided that she wanted me to Baptize her. That was an enormous honor, and it really meant a lot to me. I was excited to be worthy, and have that opportunity. I made sure to get her Father's permission, as I felt it was his right to do this. He ended up doing the confirmation portion, and I did the Baptism. The next year we moved back to Utah, and moved into my in-laws place. That was a pretty rough year on everyone. Mandie and I separated 2 times during that year, and eventually got divorced. It was especially rough on all of the girls. I had been their Dad for 6+ years, and then suddenly I wasn't anymore. When we separated the second time, it stuck. Eventually Mandie would file for divorce, and cut me off from the girls completely. Our divorce took close to a year, and was pretty ugly. It was final in March of 2011. Since then Mandie has remarried, and only occasionally now do I get to see any of the girls. I see Preslie, obviously, as it is my legal right to do so. But unfortunately, I do not have the legal right to my other girls.
Today Burklie is 12 years old. She is starting to grow into a young woman. She likes to listen to The Used and Neon Trees as well. She likes boys. She has grown up a lot in the past couple of years, and I haven't been there for it. I really hate that. I miss her and her sisters so much, and hope they all remember me and the part I shared of their lives. I have high hopes for Burklie, and worry about her often. I hope her memory serves her well, and that she remembers how important and loved she is. She will always be my sweet little Bundle Face.
Burklie will always hold a really special place in my heart, because she was the first of Mandie's girls that I really got attached to. I will always love all of them, and they will each hold a unique place in my heart forever. Burklie loved to be with me, and always wanted to be close to me. She would ask to come with me everywhere, even just quick trips to the store. She absolutely melted my heart. Rylie had just turned a year old, and Kalie was 9 years old when I started dating Mandie. Rylie was just a baby, and was always easy to love. Kalie was more shy, quiet, and guarded. As such, she was slower to ever really accept me into her life. Burklie on the other hand, had nothing but love for me right from the beginning.
She is such a sensitive little girl. Always has been. Admittedly, I struggled at times with Burklie the most as well. If I even looked at wrong, she would burst into tears and it would seemingly break her little heart. As she grew older, I could see more and more similarities between her and her Mother. I had a really hard time with this, as they weren't necessarily my favorite personality traits. To be completely honest, she would kind of drive me nuts some times. She was always so dramatic. On the girls birthdays, I would get them flowers. Burklie always enjoyed this the most. She loved the attention. I would also try to take all the girls on individual Daddy-Daughter dates when I could. I usually needed to take Burklie first, because she would cry and cry if she thought she was being left out.
When Burklie turned 8 years old, we lived in Washington, and she decided that she wanted me to Baptize her. That was an enormous honor, and it really meant a lot to me. I was excited to be worthy, and have that opportunity. I made sure to get her Father's permission, as I felt it was his right to do this. He ended up doing the confirmation portion, and I did the Baptism. The next year we moved back to Utah, and moved into my in-laws place. That was a pretty rough year on everyone. Mandie and I separated 2 times during that year, and eventually got divorced. It was especially rough on all of the girls. I had been their Dad for 6+ years, and then suddenly I wasn't anymore. When we separated the second time, it stuck. Eventually Mandie would file for divorce, and cut me off from the girls completely. Our divorce took close to a year, and was pretty ugly. It was final in March of 2011. Since then Mandie has remarried, and only occasionally now do I get to see any of the girls. I see Preslie, obviously, as it is my legal right to do so. But unfortunately, I do not have the legal right to my other girls.
Today Burklie is 12 years old. She is starting to grow into a young woman. She likes to listen to The Used and Neon Trees as well. She likes boys. She has grown up a lot in the past couple of years, and I haven't been there for it. I really hate that. I miss her and her sisters so much, and hope they all remember me and the part I shared of their lives. I have high hopes for Burklie, and worry about her often. I hope her memory serves her well, and that she remembers how important and loved she is. She will always be my sweet little Bundle Face.
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