Enjoy life and don't hold back.

I've been starting to see a lot of posts from people making their rounds of the usual New Years resolutions.  A lot of people are going the usual path of "getting back in shape", exercising more, and perhaps even eating better.  Some people are claiming that they will finally drop their vices in an effort for self improvement.  Sometimes it's just going on a diet, cutting out a negative substance from their body such as alcohol, smoking, or drugs.  The resolutions take on a typical format, and usually aren't followed.  I can see this happening every year at the gym.  It seems like in January the gym suddenly gets extra crowded and it lasts for maybe a month or so.  If that long.  Most people can't keep it up and end up falling right back into the old familiar comfort zone of life.  This is exactly why I hate to say that I have a New Years resolution for too much of anything. 

But this coming year, I want things to be different.  It's been a tough couple of years for me, and I am in a different phase of my life now.  I am a parent.  I am single.  I've been thinking a lot the past couple of months about what I've done with my life, and where I'm at now.  I don't regret where I've been by any means.  It has shaped me to become the person that I am today.  I do, however, feel like I gave up a lot of things in the best interest of having a family and getting married.  There were a lot of things that I used to do, that I felt like I had to give up.  Perhaps in a way, I have lost myself in the process. 

I'm finding that I am in a much better place in my life now, and am a lot happier.  I have a good job, make decent money, and have a lot more free time on my hands than I used to.  The majority of the time, I don't have any idea what to do.  I've ended up watching a lot of movies, and killing time more often than I'd like to admit.  Now don't get me wrong.  I am not complaining.  I just feel like there are better things that I could be doing with my time.  Things that I'm missing out on. 

In 2012, I want to enjoy life more.  I want to get out of my apartment more often, and have fun.  I want to go kayaking.  I want to go rock climbing.  I want to exercise.  I want to go to more concerts.  I want to spend more time with friends and family.  I want to go on a road trip or two.  I want to take my Squeek to Disneyland and surfing in the ocean.  I want to take a couple good vacations.  Maybe go on a cruise.  Why not?  Life is good, and I want to enjoy it more. 

I would love to buy my own kayak, and just load it up randomly on the weekends and take off.  Go camping to some random lake, and explore.  How amazing would it be to just take off and skim across some random lake that you've never been to before, and be the first person to break it in?

Maybe even go ocean kayaking again down in Southern California.  That was something that I used to love doing with my Pops.  It would be awesome to do that again now that I'm an adult.  I could take Preslie out on the water and kayak past the Sea Lions at Corona del Mar.  I bet she would love it.

Change is constant in life.  It's unavoidable.  Just when you start to think that you have things a little bit figured out, and have found a rhythm, it can implode and change.  This is where I am now in life.  I want to make the most of it, and enjoy my life more.  I want to do more of the things that I've always been curious about, and wanted to do.  I'm tired of just talking about those things, and saying that I'm going to do them sooner or later.  I am only getting older.  I want Preslie to have more experiences that she'll always remember as she gets older.  Good memories of vacations with her Daddy and time well spent. 

Some of my favorite memories with my Dad were some of the fun vacations we got to go on with him.  One summer, he took my Brother Steve and I to see the Grand Canyon, and then to Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico.  It was amazing!  Another fond memory was the vacation when he took us to Mt. McKinley.  I remember that he only brought this tiny little pup tent for us to camp in at the base camp there, where there was currently a very high bear warning in effect.  The tent was only made for 1 adult, so there was no way that all three of us were going to fit in there.  He told us that one of us, meaning either Me, or Steve would have to sleep outside the tent.  I don't remember who ended up volunteering to do it, but he laughed and ended up having Steve and I sleep in the tent of course.  We were sure that bears were still going to get us all night.  Ha ha ha.....good times.  My Dad loved to tease, and still does.  I'm sure that I got a little bit of that from him. 

Needless to say, I am very excited for what this next year holds.  I want it to be fun, and full of adventures.  Not just for me, but also for Preslie as well. 

Heart attack.

So the other night I was putting Preslie to sleep, and she was very particular about me staying in bed and not leaving her.  She kept asking me if I was going to go upstairs, or stay and go to sleep with her.  I was explaining to her that Daddy doesn't always go to bed at the same time as her, and that she didn't need to worry about that.  She just needed to go to sleep.  At one point she even tried to get me to pinky promise that I wouldn't go back upstairs.  I refused of course, because I do not want to ever break a promise to her.  Especially when I just as well as she apparently did that I had full intentions of going back upstairs to watch a movie.  I asked her why she didn't want me to go upstairs, and she said because she gets scared because my room is so dark.  I told her that she could sleep in HER room if she didn't like it, to which she quickly stopped complaining and rethought her dilemma. 

Finally, after a good 10-15 minutes of snuggling with her, she was fast asleep and starting to snore, so I quietly snuck back upstairs and turned on a movie.  I guess that I was more tired than I thought, because I don't remember actually watching too much of it, and then fell asleep.

Next thing I knew, I was waking up on the couch upstairs to the sound of a very frightened cry coming from my Daughter. 

I don't remember how, or what went through my head, except that she was in trouble and flew off the couch.  Yes, I said flew.  I nearly missed the first flight of stairs and jumped to the bottom of the second set.  All I knew was that it was dark, and Preslie was crying and I didn't know why.  Before I could rationalize any further, I was in my room and had jumped into the bed with her to hold her.  My heart was beating nearly out of my chest, and I realized that I hadn't breathed out yet.  She said that she woke up from a bad dream and didn't know where I was, and was scared. 

I don't remember what time it was, but I do remember that I lay there for the rest of the night until I could see the sunlight starting to burn through my curtains.  I don't remember why it startled me so bad either.  Preslie has woken up plenty of times during the night before, and I usually just go back downstairs and then work on getting her back to sleep.  For whatever reason though, it scared the crap out of me that night. 

I wonder if it's just because I fell asleep upstairs.  Perhaps it was just waking up and being a little bit disoriented, and hearing my Daughter crying from a distance.  Yikes.  That was a pretty horrible feeling though.  It just makes me think that I need to work on getting her to sleep in her own bed again.  Why is that?  Because.

Perspective.

While I was finding pictures for my most recent blog post, I came across a lot of old pictures from while I was still married.  A lot of the pictures reminded me of pain and unhappy times.  There was also a lot of pictures in there that just reminded me of the good times as well.  I wasn't entirely miserable while I was married, and to say so would just be a bad lie.  Those were definitely some of the best times of my life, and I felt like it was important to say so. 

I think that recently I've only been focusing on the negative times and things that have happened.  I don't want to forget the good times though.  To be honest, most of those good memories involve my Kids.  A lot of these pictures captured memories that are very special and meaningful to me. 

Normally, these would be very private to me, and I would not want to share them.  But, I have decided to put a few of those memories on here as a reminder to myself that there were happy times in there as well.

Of course hindsight is usually 20/20.  I think that it's important to change my focus and put a different perspective on my past.  I am grateful for all the good times that I've had.  I've grateful for all of my Kids, and the time I was lucky enough to have spent with them.  Sure there were some hard times mixed in there, along with a lot of heartache.  They were worth every tear and hour of lost sleep I've experienced.  I would do it all again in a heart beat.  I hope that they know that and don't forget about me. I was lucky enough to have been their Daddy for a good chunk of their lives.  To me, it has meant the world.  I will always think of them and be their Daddy in my heart.

Forgiveness = Change

Forgiveness, is more than saying sorry. 

I've struggled with forgiving a certain someone for a long time now.  To be entirely honest, I don't know that I can completely forgive her for some of the things that happened between us.  Some of the things that she continues to do.  I can get over the personal hurt, the cheating, the lies, the broken promises, and the horrible things she's said.  There are a lot of things I can forgive.  But there are a couple of things I can't bring myself to forgive. 

One of those things, was trying to keep me from spending any time with or even seeing my Daughter during the early phases of our divorce.  Not just because of the pain it caused me, but for keeping my Squeek from having her Daddy in her life.  I don't ever want my little girl to think that she is unloved or unwanted.  She will always know that her Daddy loves her.  No matter what.

I feel like I've experienced a full spectrum of emotions in the past couple of years.  I honestly don't know what kept me going through all of it.  Had it not been for some of my wonderful friends and family, I do not know where I would be now.  Even if it was just something as simple as listening to me bitch and vent about stuff.  It helped.  So from the bottom of my heart, thank you. 

After the divorce was finally over, I felt this immense relief and as if a giant weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  It was also right about this same time that I was finally able to move into my own place again, and have some privacy.  I had a new job, had recently been promoted, and was coming to the end of the classes I was taking at school.  More importantly, I finally felt like there was some stability with my Daughter and that I didn't have to worry about all the details anymore.  It was the biggest relief.  Best feeling ever.  I was on such a high at the time, that I started feeling like perhaps I was ready to start dating again.  I had been separated from my ex for more than a year by then, and admittedly was feeling kinda lonely.  I missed my family, and missed being with someone who actually cared about me. 

I started dating this girl, and boy was I in for a surprise.  Things were great, and I hadn't been that happy in a LONG time.  In fact, I was almost too happy, if there's such a thing.  I wasn't used to all the positive things about this girl.  It kind of freaked me out, to be honest.  Long story short, I ended up sabotaging the relationship.  I really don't have anything negative to say about her either.  Even now.  What I did realize though, is that I am full of flaws and have a lot to work on.  One of those things, was to really forgive the ex and try to let go of the resentment I have been feeling towards her. 

Recently, a good friend of mine gave me some really good advice.  She said, "If you want to stop hating your ex so much, start referring to her by her name.  It'll make you see her as a person, not an object of your despising.  It'll be good for you."

There was a time when even the mention of her name would make me irate and send me up the walls.  I started calling her "The Architect of My Misfortune" instead, and it just stuck.  As silly as it may seem, the advice of my friend really hit home.  She was totally right.  I needed to let that go.  I need to move on.  I need to forgive her.  Even when I've talked to her on the phone, when I've had to in the past, I've called her "The Devil" or something similar.  How can I ever expect her to show me any respect or be a decent person when that is how I treat her?  She's going to be in my life, like it or not, for awhile.  Perhaps I should start taking some steps to at least improve our communication?  Really. It needs to be done for our Daughters sake. 

I made it a point to not call her "The Architect" or anything else derogatory this last week, and it felt good.  I either used her real name, Mandie, or just referred to her as "the Ex".  In a way, it was kind of refreshing.

I have been feeling a lot more balanced in my life recently.  I'm not under giant amounts of stress anymore, and feel like I can finally relax.  I have a happy, healthy, beautiful, and smart little girl.  I have a great job, and make decent money.  I have a nice car that I actually like for a change.  I don't have to work more than 40 hours a week anymore or even crazy, crappy hours either.  I have some great friends and family, and I'm healthy.  When I look back at the last 7-8 years of my life and all the changes, I almost don't even recognize myself anymore.  I was under such extreme stress before, and it took a serious toll on me.  Even physically you can see how unhappy and unhealthy I was. 

Before marriage:

During Marriage:

After Separation and Divorce:

Kind of crazy when you look at it that way.  Pictures really do tell a thousand words.  Needless to say, I am a lot happier now, and I think it shows.  :)

Growing up.

So yesterday I had to call The Architect.  We needed to figure out our Christmas plans since we "share" time with Preslie.  I also wanted to talk to her about my oldest Daughter Kalie, and some things that have happened recently with her.  We ended up talking for almost 45 minutes, and it was a civil conversation the entire time.  I think that is the first time that has happened since before we split up.  I was amazed, to be completely honest.  For the first time in a long time, I didn't feel utter contempt and disdain for her.  I felt nothing, as a matter of fact. 

We ended up working things out for the Christmas holiday, and I will have Preslie for the entire weekend!  I am really excited about this.  Last year, I was renting a room in my friends basement, so I didn't really have my own space outside of that.  On top of that, I ended up having to work on Christmas Day, so I just let The Architect keep her for Christmas, so she could be with her sisters.  I was only able to spend a couple of hours with her on Christmas Eve, and then had to take her back to her Mom's.  It sucked.  It was the first time I had really been alone and without my family since before I had got married. 

This year, I feel like I finally have something to look forward to.  I have my own place again, and can set up my own Christmas tree, and take care of all the presents and Christmas fun for her.  I can't wait to see the look on her little face when she wakes up and comes up the stairs on Christmas morning to see all of her presents.  I've missed that.  It's going to be great!  My older Brother and Sister-in-law are also going to be up here for Christmas as well, so we'll all get to spend some time together, which will be nice.  I think the only time that Preslie has really seen Tony and Nui was about a year and a half ago when they were in town for my Grandma's funeral.  Needless to say, it was a short visit.  This will be nice. 

It's taken me a long time to get past the hurt and pain that The Architect put me through.  I imagine that she probably feels the same way, except that she is still The Devil, and it's all her fault.  Just kidding.  Well, sort of.  One of the things that I've learned through this process is that holding onto hate and anger only hurts you.  It is a disease that festers inside of you and can swallow you whole if you let it.  I have always been pretty quick to forgive people.  I am usually one of the most forgiving friends that you'll ever have, if you get to know me.  There is a certain undefinable point though, when I tend to want to write people off completely.  A point when I feel like I can say,"I've had enough and could care less about keeping you in my life anymore."  This is probably a serious character flaw on my part, and I imagine that I should try to work on that.  Another thing that I've learned, is that everyone makes mistakes and I am no exception to that rule.  I can't expect people to forgive me and my own stupidity if I can't do the same. 

Now I'm faced with some pretty tough decisions.  A life changing thing has happened to my oldest Daughter, and I want to help.  I'm just not quite sure how I can do that.  I don't know what is the best thing in this circumstance.  I guess I know what I think is the best decision, but don't know the best way to approach the subject with her.  She is going to have to have to grow up and make some serious decisions pretty soon about what she is going to do with her life.  It won't be easy, no matter what decision she makes either.  She is still so young, and I'm afraid that she's just about as stubborn as her Mother.  I want to help her any way that I can, and I know that she's going to need it.  She's chosen a tough path and is going to have to live with the consequences of that decision now.  It really hurts to know that she is going to have to experience life this way now.  I had such high hopes for her, and wanted so much more for her.  I feel like she was so close to making it out OK, and was finally on a good path for herself.  She's been through so much, it really does break my heart.  I am so disappointed right now, but I still love her. 

I talked to The Architect about possibly having her come and live with me.  My hope was that she could come and get some better guidance and support from me.  I want her to know that I still love her, and that won't ever change.  I want her to see that there are good men and good daddies out there.  Who knows.  Maybe that time will come eventually.  I know that she is going to need a lot of help and support moving forward.  Not surprisingly, my idea wasn't received too terribly well.  She is going to go and stay at her Grandparents house while she tries to figure out what she is going to do with her life now.  She has a lot of serious decisions to make, and I hope that she listens and keeps an open mind.

Joys of being a parent. 

Rebounds

Why is it exactly that people get back together with their exes?  Anyone got any theories on this one?  I'd love to hear them.  Why does it take seeing another person to realize that the person you were already with and then decided "wasn't the one" is now suddenly "the one"?  Did something in particular about that person suddenly change?  Even better yet, if the ex broke up with you, why would you want to go back and be with them again?  To try harder to convince them otherwise?  Either you or the other person made a conscious decision, and some extensive thought was put into the matter no doubt, that they or you weren't worth pursuing.  Yet, after dating and spending time with someone else, your eyes have been opened suddenly to all of the amazing qualities that apparently that person had.  Qualities that you either didn't take the time to notice before, or simply just did not appreciate.  Does seeing another person appreciate what you didn't, suddenly change things? 

There are so many possibilities with this one.  Is it just easier to run back to something familiar?  Something "safe"?  Did spending time with this new person make you suddenly realize how insignificant the other imperfections were with the ex?  Did the new person make you want to try harder to improve your own imperfections for the ex?  Is the dating pool really so terrifying that you'd rather resort to settling? 

Personally, I believe in a certain level of chemistry.  I also understand and believe that no one is perfect.  Including myself.  As hard as that may be to believe.  If you really have the right kind of chemistry and interests in a person, I believe that you won't give them up in the first place.  And the same goes for them too.  I really don't want to have to convince the person I'm with, that they should be with me.  There should already be a desire there.  Now, that is not to say that you shouldn't have to work at keeping a relationship alive and healthy.  I just think that if the person you are with can't see you for who you really are, past all the good and the bad, and still want to fight for you, then it wasn't meant to be in the first place.  As hard as that might be.  Accept it and move on.  I think that people know when they know.  You can't really explain it.  You just know.  If you aren't sure, can't decide, or hesitate, then chances are that is the answer. 

Yes, we all know that it hurts and sucks when you see something in someone, and they don't see the same thing in you.  It's even possible to be sure that the other person is "the one", and then have them not feel the same way.  Get used to it.  Things don't always end happily and the way we would like them to.  Hopefully. someday, we will look back on those times and think, "Thank God it didn't work out with So-and-So, because look how happy I am now!".  How amazing would that be?  If you haven't even met Mr. or Mrs. Right yet, and you don't know what you are missing? 

If the person you were with before was willing to let you go, and not put up a fight, then are they really worth going back to?  Find someone who sees you for who you are and your potential.  Not just where you've been.  Relationships have become too disposable.  People have become too disposable.  If something isn't just working out, we tend to want to pack up and leave.  Walk away from it.  Run away from it.  There's got to be something or someone else out there better.  The grass just might be greener elsewhere.

Maybe we should actually start looking at ourselves and what we have to offer first.  Perhaps the question shouldn't be what we have, but what do we have to offer?  Are we making every effort each and every day to make the person we are with loved?  Desired?  Special?  If the answer is no, then you can't possibly expect those things in return.  It takes work to be successful at anything in life.  We reap what we sow. 

Here's another thought.  If you have someone in your life that you love.  Fight for them.  Do whatever it takes to make sure that they feel wanted, loved, desired, and special.  Make the first move.  Don't hesitate or hold back either.  Don't be afraid to give everything you have.  What have you got to lose, besides everything?  Don't ever let her think that she wasn't worth the risk.  Eyes wide open, and jump.

All bets are off.

Stuff I'm not looking forward to.

1. Being a Grandparent.
2. My Daughters dating.
3. Having "the talk". 
4. Getting older.
5. Gray hairs.
6. Not having hair.
7. Arthritis.
8. Forgetting important stuff.
9. Paying an ever increasing amount of taxes.
10. Alarm going off in the morning.
11. Snow and cold weather.
12. Family and friends leaving.
13. My kids asking me for answers that I don't have.
14. The aftermath of the Thai food I had for lunch today.
15. Ever having another godforsaken kidney stone.
16. Losing my senses.
17. Moving.
18. Sobriety.
19. Unexpected change.
20. Folding laundry.
21. Watching my kids make decisions that result in heartache and pain.