Growing up.

So yesterday I had to call The Architect.  We needed to figure out our Christmas plans since we "share" time with Preslie.  I also wanted to talk to her about my oldest Daughter Kalie, and some things that have happened recently with her.  We ended up talking for almost 45 minutes, and it was a civil conversation the entire time.  I think that is the first time that has happened since before we split up.  I was amazed, to be completely honest.  For the first time in a long time, I didn't feel utter contempt and disdain for her.  I felt nothing, as a matter of fact. 

We ended up working things out for the Christmas holiday, and I will have Preslie for the entire weekend!  I am really excited about this.  Last year, I was renting a room in my friends basement, so I didn't really have my own space outside of that.  On top of that, I ended up having to work on Christmas Day, so I just let The Architect keep her for Christmas, so she could be with her sisters.  I was only able to spend a couple of hours with her on Christmas Eve, and then had to take her back to her Mom's.  It sucked.  It was the first time I had really been alone and without my family since before I had got married. 

This year, I feel like I finally have something to look forward to.  I have my own place again, and can set up my own Christmas tree, and take care of all the presents and Christmas fun for her.  I can't wait to see the look on her little face when she wakes up and comes up the stairs on Christmas morning to see all of her presents.  I've missed that.  It's going to be great!  My older Brother and Sister-in-law are also going to be up here for Christmas as well, so we'll all get to spend some time together, which will be nice.  I think the only time that Preslie has really seen Tony and Nui was about a year and a half ago when they were in town for my Grandma's funeral.  Needless to say, it was a short visit.  This will be nice. 

It's taken me a long time to get past the hurt and pain that The Architect put me through.  I imagine that she probably feels the same way, except that she is still The Devil, and it's all her fault.  Just kidding.  Well, sort of.  One of the things that I've learned through this process is that holding onto hate and anger only hurts you.  It is a disease that festers inside of you and can swallow you whole if you let it.  I have always been pretty quick to forgive people.  I am usually one of the most forgiving friends that you'll ever have, if you get to know me.  There is a certain undefinable point though, when I tend to want to write people off completely.  A point when I feel like I can say,"I've had enough and could care less about keeping you in my life anymore."  This is probably a serious character flaw on my part, and I imagine that I should try to work on that.  Another thing that I've learned, is that everyone makes mistakes and I am no exception to that rule.  I can't expect people to forgive me and my own stupidity if I can't do the same. 

Now I'm faced with some pretty tough decisions.  A life changing thing has happened to my oldest Daughter, and I want to help.  I'm just not quite sure how I can do that.  I don't know what is the best thing in this circumstance.  I guess I know what I think is the best decision, but don't know the best way to approach the subject with her.  She is going to have to have to grow up and make some serious decisions pretty soon about what she is going to do with her life.  It won't be easy, no matter what decision she makes either.  She is still so young, and I'm afraid that she's just about as stubborn as her Mother.  I want to help her any way that I can, and I know that she's going to need it.  She's chosen a tough path and is going to have to live with the consequences of that decision now.  It really hurts to know that she is going to have to experience life this way now.  I had such high hopes for her, and wanted so much more for her.  I feel like she was so close to making it out OK, and was finally on a good path for herself.  She's been through so much, it really does break my heart.  I am so disappointed right now, but I still love her. 

I talked to The Architect about possibly having her come and live with me.  My hope was that she could come and get some better guidance and support from me.  I want her to know that I still love her, and that won't ever change.  I want her to see that there are good men and good daddies out there.  Who knows.  Maybe that time will come eventually.  I know that she is going to need a lot of help and support moving forward.  Not surprisingly, my idea wasn't received too terribly well.  She is going to go and stay at her Grandparents house while she tries to figure out what she is going to do with her life now.  She has a lot of serious decisions to make, and I hope that she listens and keeps an open mind.

Joys of being a parent.