It could be worse.

This last week has been a long one.  It started out with what should have been a great beginning to my week.  I had Preslie for the weekend, and had hoped to take her camping somewhere fun for a couple of days.  My boss was generous enough to give me Monday and Tuesday off work, so that I could enjoy a 4 day weekend.  Plans, however, were cut short because Mandie decided that since I didn't let her take Preslie to Lake Powell for a week the week before, she didn't have to let me keep Preslie for an extra day.  (Normally I have Preslie from Thursday evening after I get off work until Monday morning.)  I asked to keep her until Tuesday morning, but she shot that down. 

I ended up taking Preslie camping on Saturday night, but it ended up raining pretty hard from about 11pm that night until the next morning.  It was wet.  It was muddy.  But it was still fun and good quality Daddy-Daughter time. 

On Monday, Mandie and I had agreed to meet up at 1pm in Midvale as usual.  I drove Preslie there, and then decided I would go stop by Big Deluxe for a consultation with Mike J on a piece I've wanted to get done for quite some time.  I took the freeway to 33rd South, and ended up getting into an accident.  It's almost kind of funny, because just earlier that day, I had said,"I've got the next 2 days off work for vacation, was meeting for a consult, and then who knows.."  Hardy har har.  To make it worse, of course the accident was totally my fault.  I was stopped behind this truck, then went to pull forward a little and my flip-flop got stuck and gunned the gas.  Before I could completely stop, I nailed this truck in front of me.  I wasn't even going 15-20 when I hit, as I was on the brakes, and my airbag didn't even deploy, but it still managed to destroy the front end of my car. 

My first thought was, "Oh shit, I hope no one is hurt in the other car."  The gentleman stepped out and was perfectly fine.  A very nice man, actually.  My next thought, was "F$#K.  I just destroyed my car!"  I have to interject.  I REALLY love my car.  It's the first car I've owned that I have really liked.  It's been good to me since I bought it 2 years ago, and I love it.  It was such a dumb accident too.  I really didn't hit the guys truck that hard, and the front end of my car just kind of crumpled in.  Awesome safety feature, by the way.  The guy in the truck I hit agreed to pull off the road, and we just exchanged insurance information.  He asked me if I wanted to call the Police to report it, and I of course replied "No.  Going the insurance route is fine with me."  I could see that I was leaking radiator fluid, so I was in a hurry to get going as I wanted to try and get home before I lost all my fluid and my car started overheating.  I tried popping the hood to put in some more fluid, but the hood was crumpled enough that it wouldn't open, so I hopped on the freeway and started heading home. 

I made it almost all the way up the hill at the point of the mountain when my temp gage suddenly pegged, so I pulled off to the side at the exit and shut off my car.  It has an aluminum head, and as such is not designed to handle overheating in any way.  I called my insurance and reported the accident, and had them send a tow truck to pick up my car.  I started to get pretty down on myself about it, but then I realized:  It could be worse.

No one was hurt.  The accident happened after I had dropped off Preslie.  I hardly even put a dent in the other truck's tailgate, which turned out to be a work truck for the guy driving.  He was very nice, and didn't demand calling the cops, so I didn't get a ticket and fine on top of the accident.   For the most part, I was able to drive away from the accident.  I had insurance.  As it turned out, I had tow coverage, so I didn't have to pay anything out of pocket for the tow truck.  I also had rental coverage on my insurance, so I was able to get a rental car right away.  While my deductible wasn't $100 like I had thought, it also wasn't $1000, which would have sucked worse.  I also had the next day off work to recuperate.  Things could have been worse.  Hopefully the repair shop is able to fix my car, as I am quite fond of it.  I would really rather not have to go find another one again. 

I returned to work on Wednesday to all sorts of changes.  The winds of change were blowing, and there were a lot of questions to be asked.  On Thursday, I went to work again, and then picked up Preslie again after work.  Unfortunately, I only had her for the night this time, so it was a short visit.  We got to play for a little bit, and then watched Willow. 

This morning, I drove up to Midvale to drop Preslie off to her Mandie again, but she never showed up.  Normally we meet at 8am.  She never texts me or answered when I tried to call her multiple times.  I finally had to go and head to work, and just took Preslie with me to work.  Preslie loves coming with me to work, mostly so that she can write and draw on my whiteboard.  Finally, around 10:30am Mandie called to say that she overslept, and would leave in a minute to come pick Preslie up from my work.  She showed up sometime around 11:30am, and Preslie was pretty bored by then.  Even so, while I was walking her outside, she said she didn't want to go home to Mommy's, and wanted to stay with me.  That always makes me kind of sad.  Of course I want her to be with me ALL the time, but also know that she needs a Mommy too.  I hate that she doesn't get both of her parents all the time, the way it should be.  I always try to make it a point to tell her how much I love her, because I don't want her to ever feel unwanted or unloved by her Daddy.  She is my little Angel, and always will be.  The rest of work ended up being pretty short, as I only had to work until 3pm, and then went to see Dark Knight Rises, as Mozy had rented out the Theater at Thanksgiving Point for all of us to see it today. 

After the movie, which was fantastic by the way, I went to the gym.  Now I have the rest of the weekend, and who knows what to do.  Sometimes, more often than not, I miss being married.  I miss having a partner.  I miss having a family.  I miss coming home to the excited smiles of my children.  I miss helping them brush their teeth.  I miss reading them stories at bedtime, and tucking them in.  I miss my kisses and that unconditional love that comes with being a parent.  I only have Preslie some of the time, and the majority of the time I come home to an empty apartment.  It's too quiet.  A lot of the time, I don't want to be here.  I would rather be anywhere else but here.  I've been trying really hard to have a better attitude about things, and my life in general.  A lot of the time, it does seem to help.  But not always.  Sometimes, I get pretty lonely.  I don't want to be alone forever.  I want to be happy.  I want to find a partner that I can be happy with, and who is also happy with me. 

I don't just miss being in a relationship though.  To be honest, I think I am better of being single for now, as much as it sucks sometimes.  I would rather be single than with the wrong person.  That isn't to say that I believe that there is only one "right" person for me.  I can think of a few girls that I've known in my lifetime that I truly believe I could have been happy with.  Unfortunately, the timing wasn't right, and here I am.  Despite my scars, I know that I am in a better place now, and am ready for that.  It just has to be the right person.  Hopefully when I meet her, the timing will finally be right, and we will be able to work things out and love each other the way we deserve and want to be loved.  I want my wife to be my best friend, my partner, and my partner in crime.  Who knows?   Perhaps I have already met her.  Maybe I already had my chance, and that is all I get.

At this point, I know I am just rambling, so it's time to wrap this one up.  I just want to say thank you to all my friends and family who have been supportive and believed in me all these years.  You know who you are.  Sometimes, just the simplest kind words can go a long way and make all the difference.  There are times when I just don't feel like I'm cutting it as a Father, or as a man for that matter.  I think that we all need to be reminded sometimes when we are trying and doing our best.  It's good to hear that you are doing an OK job every once in a while.  I hope that I can return the favor sometime, and you will take it to heart.