Don't act like you aren't impressed...

So last night I had a bit of a "double-wide" experience.  It was definitely kind of ghetto, and the more I have thought about it today, the more I feel like I should feel embarrassed.  I don't though.  I kind of think it's funny.  Maybe that is what makes me think it was a "double-wide" experience. 

After I got off work yesterday, I made a quick trip to the store.  I came home, emptied my dishwasher, then threw another load of dishes in there again.  After that, I decided I would get some work done on my blog.  It was kind of warm in my apartment so I thought, what the hell, who needs clothes?  I live alone.  My blinds are shut.  Naked Tuesday it is!  Well, just boxer briefs, because that would be weird.  I turned my TV on, at the normal volume level, and started typing away.  About an hour later, I got hungry, so I ordered some Papa Johns and had it delivered.  It was a great bachelor dinner.  Papa Johns garlic & Parmesan bread sticks, and some nice cold Blue Moons!  I was relaxed, and it was a nice and quiet night.  Or so it seemed....

Suddenly, I heard a really soft knock at my door.  I was a bit surprised, because it was pretty late.  About 11:40pm to be exact.  I think I was about 3-4 adult beverages in at that point.  I jumped up, and went downstairs to the front door.  When I opened the door, it revealed 2 Police Officers.  Dude Police Officers to be exact.  I slowly started to ask them, "Hellllllloooo, what can I do for you?" 

Police Dude #1, "We got a call that there was a party going on.  Complaint about loud music, or perhaps a TV."

Me, "Right......I don't have any music on, just my TV.  I didn't think it was too loud..."

Police Dude #2, "Yeah, we've been standing outside your apartment for about 5 minutes or so before we knocked, and couldn't hear a thing."

Me, "I haven't touched the volume since I turned it on about 3 hours ago either.  You're welcome to come in and see if it seems to loud from inside if you'd like."

Police Dude #1 looked at me a little funny, then stepped past me into the entry way.  He stood there for about 15 seconds and listened, and then said, "I can barely hear your TV at all right now.  How stupid.  Doesn't seem like a problem to me."  Then he stepped back out. 

Police Dude #2 said he needed to get some basic information from me.  He asked me if I lived here, my name, date of birth, and my phone #. 

It was right at that moment, that I realized I was standing there on my porch, wearing nothing but my underwear, probably with gross garlic / adult beverage breathe, and I was giving my phone # to this Police Dude.  I laughed, then told him my number.  He asked what was so funny, so I told him, "This would probably make a pretty good COPS episode..ha ha ha."  They kind of laughed, then told me to enjoy the rest of my night, and gave me a funny look and left. 

Good times.

Why would she do that??

Since I told the story about "Stuart's" little foot problem, I feel like I have to tell another story about him.  In case you missed my last post, "Stuart" was the special little guy that used to work on the night crew at the tool store up in SLC.  I don't remember his real name, so we're just going to call him Stuart.  Stuart was special.  He wasn't quite all there, and had obtained the job under circumstances as such that he couldn't just be fired like a normal employee either.  Stuart was brutally honest, and loved to talk.  Worse yet, he had this really high pitched, soft, child-like voice.  Surprisingly enough, Stuart was married, and he also had like 4 kids.  All of which were relatively normal.  His kids looked almost exactly like him, but were very smart and high-functioning from what I understand.

One night, Stuart came into work and was acting a little peculiar.   Normally, he was fairly social.  This evening, however, he was definitely keeping to himself, and had an odd, perhaps confused, and concerned look on his face while he worked.  Several of the other guys on the night crew approached him, and asked him how he was doing, but he didn't seem to want to talk about it.  Finally, after a couple of the guys had approached me with their concerns about him behavior, I decided that I should check on him.  I walked up to him as he was sweeping the end section of the warehouse, and asked him what was troubling him tonight. 

He replied, "Well........I had a little bit of an.........uh......episode with the wife the other day."

A few of the other guys approached, and asked the question that I really didn't want to know, "What kind of an episode Stuart?" 

Now, you have to imagine the concern on Stuart's little face as he told us his story.  He was completely serious, and genuinely confused, which only made this worse.

"Well, so my wife and I were........uh.......you know.  Having relations.  Everything was going as usual, and I was getting closer to being done.  If you know what I mean."

The guys were enjoying his story far more than they should, and egged him on.  "So that sounds cool Stuart.  What's so bad about that?"

This is where Stuart's expression became even more concerned and puzzled.  He continued, "Well, right as I was about to finish, she stuck her finger.................."

Stuart looked down ashamed at the floor.

".........right in my butt hole."

Stuart looked up from the floor with the most serious look on his face, his big goofy eyeballs focused right on me, and he stumbled, "Why would she do that?"

I completely lost it.  I was laughing so hard, I couldn't breathe.  It was terrible.  Probably one of my worst moments ever as a human being.  We told him that she probably just read about it in a magazine, and not to worry about it.  I could never look at him the same again after that.

Something's wrong with his foot.....

Today I was reminded of a specific event that happened when I used to work for a certain tool store company in Salt Lake City.  At the time I was actually living in Roy, but was helping out long term at the store location in SLC.  Occasionally, I had the distinct pleasure of managing the night crew.  Those were some good times.

There was a particularly odd fellow that worked the night crew.  He was......well he was kind of special.  Luckily, I don't remember his name, so we'll just call him Stuart.  Now the thing about Stuart, is that he was a really little guy.  If you didn't know better, you'd swear that he was a dwarf, but he wasn't quite there.  He wasn't quite there in more ways than one.  He had dark hair, was kind of portly, had really thick glasses that made his eyeballs look huge, and he had really stubby fingers.  For some reason, his stubby little fingers always caught my attention, probably because he swung his arms in a quick, straight, jerking motion as he walked.  I'll probably go to hell for laughing as I'm writing this story, but....I can't help it.

So Stuart had a special job at the tool store, and that was basically walking around and sweeping the store and the warehouse.  He always had a lot to say, and was really animated about his stories every night.  He really was quite entertaining.  One day, we realized Stuart wasn't there, and the next night he came in wearing this odd cast and walked with a short and stubby little limp.  Being a concerned manager, I asked him what had happened to his foot.  This is what he told me.

"Seems that I caught me a nasty little infection on my foot.  My foot was itching real bad, and had a bit of a rash, so I went to the Doctor to get it checked out.  Turns out that I got it from my shower."

I was a little confused, so I asked him, "Do you have a fungus or something in your shower?"

 This is where he explained that sometimes, when he is showering, and he has to go, he just does.  Only he wasn't talking about the occasional tinkle.  He was talking Numero Dos.  The big number two.  He would just take a dump, and then stomp it down the drain with his foot.  Turns out that isn't the best idea, as he got some crazy infection in his foot from it.  Who would have imagined that? 

I was horrified.  True story.

Prayer and faith.

I would really love to rant and complain right now about a few things, but I won't.  I don't think that anyone wants to listen to someone bitch and moan about how hard their life is.  Who's life isn't hard?  Who doesn't struggle, or experience hard times?  Who hasn't been down in the dumps occasionally?  Each of us experience things from a completely unique perspective, as no two peoples lives are identical.  I laugh whenever I hear someone say, "I know exactly what you're going through.."  How could you?  No, really?  You've been through everything that I've been through, and had every single experience as me?  That is just plain stupid.

One of my friends recently asked for her friends to pray for her father who isn't doing too well.  It seems that he is on his way out, and she asked if anyone could pray for him and her family to find comfort during this hard time.  I can only imagine how hard this must be for her and her family, and quickly volunteered to keep them in my prayers.

What prayers?

I honestly cannot even remember the last time that I prayed.  I stopped praying sometime during my divorce.  I didn't really feel like God was listening.  That being said, how can I really say that I will pray for someone else, when I don't really do it for myself anymore?  When I'm not convinced it will do any good?  Is it pride that has kept me from doing so?  Is it just plain old stubbornness?  I guess it depends on who you ask.  If you ask my parents, they will say a little of both.

Something that I have always struggled with is faith.  In matters of the church, I have always struggled with tithing.  It is a really hard thing for me to have to ask anyone else for help.  I don't want to "have faith" that things will work out.  I want to know.  I want to be sure.  I need to be able to count on things happening.  Reliability, security, facts, routine.  These are things that I understand and prefer.  I understand that some people need hope to get by.  I need to know things will work out because I worked to make it happen.  Again, some of these things may come down to pride.  Another example, is having my back get better and not give me grief.  Praying for this to happen is not something that I am good at.  Exercising, avoiding things that will strain it, and a hot pad on occasion are my tools for making that happen.  I don't want to just close my eyes, and hope that it will get better.  I want to exercise and work to strengthen my back so that I don't have more problems in the future.

I am not saying this to diminish anyone else that may rely on prayer.  And I am especially not saying this to belittle my friend who asked this recently.  I think my point is more that I wish there was something more that I could do to help.  I would do just about anything for my friends and family, even pray for them if asked.  I don't understand why anyone should have to suffer, especially in their later years.  It is such a strain on the family and loved ones who are forced to watch the people they love most deteriorate.  What does this accomplish?  What does this help us learn?  These are questions that I struggle with.  While I haven't had to experience this too directly with my parents, or my children, I have had to watch other family members deteriorate slowly over time, and it sucks.  As much as I loved them, I wanted to get away from them.  I didn't want to watch them suffer.  I suppose that in that way I truly let them down, and worse yet, when they may have needed me around the most.  I have a great deal of respect for people who take on this great responsibility.  This is one of the many reasons why I respect this friend so much.

Nevertheless, I found myself actually getting down on my knees to pray this weekend.  It was not an easy thing for me to do, but I made a gave my word.  I've made a lot of promises over the years.   Some are harder to keep than others.  Some promises you make are actually broken by those closest to you.  I am definitely far from perfect, but I am trying to improve and better myself.  I get knocked down, but I get up again.

Denied.

Access denied.  You shall not pass.  This is not the droid you were looking for.  April Fools.  Psych!  Return to sender.  No such address. 

abjure, abnegate, ban, begrudge, call on, contradict, contravene, controvert, curb, disacknowledge, disallow, disavow, disbelieve, discard, disclaim, discredit, disown, disprove, doubt, enjoin from, eschew, exclude, forbid, forgo, forsake, gainsay, hold back, keep back, negate, negative, not buy, nullify, oppose, rebuff, rebut, recant, refuse, refute, reject, repudiate, restrain, revoke, sacrifice, say no to, spurn, taboo, take exception to, turn down, turn thumbs down, veto, withhold.

How did this happen?

It seems that I've stirred the pot.  An interest of sorts has developed in a most unexpected way.  The kind of interest that you find yourself looking forward to throughout the day.  Where even a simple text can make you smile.  I kind of feel like I'm in High School all over again, but in the good way.  If there is such a thing.  At this point, it is nothing more than a friendship.  Innocent.  And I'm OK with that.  Let it be what it is. 

There are unique complications.  Despite any of it, I am having fun.  I don't think that I am the only one, either.