Prayer and faith.

I would really love to rant and complain right now about a few things, but I won't.  I don't think that anyone wants to listen to someone bitch and moan about how hard their life is.  Who's life isn't hard?  Who doesn't struggle, or experience hard times?  Who hasn't been down in the dumps occasionally?  Each of us experience things from a completely unique perspective, as no two peoples lives are identical.  I laugh whenever I hear someone say, "I know exactly what you're going through.."  How could you?  No, really?  You've been through everything that I've been through, and had every single experience as me?  That is just plain stupid.

One of my friends recently asked for her friends to pray for her father who isn't doing too well.  It seems that he is on his way out, and she asked if anyone could pray for him and her family to find comfort during this hard time.  I can only imagine how hard this must be for her and her family, and quickly volunteered to keep them in my prayers.

What prayers?

I honestly cannot even remember the last time that I prayed.  I stopped praying sometime during my divorce.  I didn't really feel like God was listening.  That being said, how can I really say that I will pray for someone else, when I don't really do it for myself anymore?  When I'm not convinced it will do any good?  Is it pride that has kept me from doing so?  Is it just plain old stubbornness?  I guess it depends on who you ask.  If you ask my parents, they will say a little of both.

Something that I have always struggled with is faith.  In matters of the church, I have always struggled with tithing.  It is a really hard thing for me to have to ask anyone else for help.  I don't want to "have faith" that things will work out.  I want to know.  I want to be sure.  I need to be able to count on things happening.  Reliability, security, facts, routine.  These are things that I understand and prefer.  I understand that some people need hope to get by.  I need to know things will work out because I worked to make it happen.  Again, some of these things may come down to pride.  Another example, is having my back get better and not give me grief.  Praying for this to happen is not something that I am good at.  Exercising, avoiding things that will strain it, and a hot pad on occasion are my tools for making that happen.  I don't want to just close my eyes, and hope that it will get better.  I want to exercise and work to strengthen my back so that I don't have more problems in the future.

I am not saying this to diminish anyone else that may rely on prayer.  And I am especially not saying this to belittle my friend who asked this recently.  I think my point is more that I wish there was something more that I could do to help.  I would do just about anything for my friends and family, even pray for them if asked.  I don't understand why anyone should have to suffer, especially in their later years.  It is such a strain on the family and loved ones who are forced to watch the people they love most deteriorate.  What does this accomplish?  What does this help us learn?  These are questions that I struggle with.  While I haven't had to experience this too directly with my parents, or my children, I have had to watch other family members deteriorate slowly over time, and it sucks.  As much as I loved them, I wanted to get away from them.  I didn't want to watch them suffer.  I suppose that in that way I truly let them down, and worse yet, when they may have needed me around the most.  I have a great deal of respect for people who take on this great responsibility.  This is one of the many reasons why I respect this friend so much.

Nevertheless, I found myself actually getting down on my knees to pray this weekend.  It was not an easy thing for me to do, but I made a gave my word.  I've made a lot of promises over the years.   Some are harder to keep than others.  Some promises you make are actually broken by those closest to you.  I am definitely far from perfect, but I am trying to improve and better myself.  I get knocked down, but I get up again.