There's a beautiful blonde girl sleeping in my bed....

I believe that just a few days ago I posted that it was time for a Squeek to sleep in her own bed.  She's 4 years old for crying out loud.  Seems to me that a 4 year old should sleep in her own bed by now.  To be quite honest, I spent more money on that little girls bed, than I did on my entire bedroom furniture set.  I even spent an entire weekend decorating her room to try and make it the perfect little princess room.  A room that was totally exciting and fun and just for her.  Her bed is a Princess Castle bed, complete with a tower at the end, tent/castle underneath, and a slide to get down.  Yes, a slide.  She has flowers and butterflies and dragonflies scattered all over her walls.  Not to mention the giant hand-painted rainbow on the wall over her bed, just because she loves rainbows.  I even did acrobatics on a strategically placed chair so that I could stick up those little glow in the dark stars on her ceiling.  Hell, now I kind of want to sleep in there.

The kicker is that until now, Preslie has always shared a room with her Sisters or me.  Kids tend to have a tough time making the transition into their own "big kid" beds, but she seems to be having an extra hard time with it.  I'll admit too, that being a single parent makes it a little tougher for me to put down the iron fist and stick to my guns with that stuff sometimes.  I miss her so much that I just want to snuggle her all the time when I do have her.  Back to reality though.  To quote a friend of mine, "..Sleeping with a toddler is like sleeping with a baby wolverine..."  I find myself waking up assaulted, beaten, and bruised, and not in the way that I'd prefer while in my own bed.  The kid never stops moving when she's asleep.  I simply do not understand how she ends up where she does during the night.  Typically, it does end up with her feet being in my face or in my groin.  *Sigh*  I also like to sleep covered in a nice warm blanket.  Preslie does not seem to be able to sleep if her feet or legs are covered in any way.  Within a minute or so of pulling a blanket onto her seemingly frozen icicle of a body, she will kick it off.  Doesn't matter how cold the room is, or what time of year.  No blankets.  I thought I would outsmart her by buying those warm onesie pajamas that has the little feet covering things too.  No dice.  She kicks around all night long and claims that they are "hurting her piggies" all night long until I finally cave and end up cutting the feet off. 

This has resulted in massive amounts of sleep deprivation and insomnia.  This past weekend, Friday night to be exact, I decided that I would put my foot down and make her sleep in her own bed, for the sake of my sanity.  I told her in advance that she needed to sleep in her bed tonight, and then tucked her in, read her a book, got her a drink of water, and even scratched her back until she fell asleep.  I'm talking the whole nine yards.  She finally fell asleep and I thought I was in the clear!  I went back upstairs and put a movie on, and felt triumphant.  Just as I was turning off the tv and about to head back downstairs to bed, I hear this sad little whimper.  Then I heard this tiny little voice mixed through sad tears, "Daddy........Daddy!"  I went downstairs and found my Squeek sitting up in her bed clutching about 6 different stuffed animals and crying.  Face covered in tears.  She said that she had a scary dream, and that she was calling me and I didn't hear her.  This made me kinda sad, because I hate to see my Daughter cry like that, and I remember having nightmares when I was a little kid too.  I caved and told her that she could sleep with me. 

I brought her into my room and lay her down on the far side  of my bed, and then put a big giant body pillow in the middle of the bed between her and me.  I told her that if she was going to sleep in my bed, then she had to stay on that side of the pillow because Daddy needed some sleep.  Here's where she looked at me like I had just broken her heart......

"Daddy, why don't you want to snuggle me????"

For that moment, I felt like the most selfish person ever to have lived.  I don't think any amount of sleep can be more important than preventing that kind of question from ever coming up again.  Kids are only little once, and we should let them be little while we can.  Someday she will be too big to sleep in my bed and snuggle, and I am going to miss that.  I can survive on only a couple hours of sleep.  Being a parent means making sacrifices.  Waking up and having your co-workers tell you that you look like you've been run over by a bus isn't the worse thing in the world. 

For now, the only beautiful blond girl sharing my bed is my Squeek.  I would like to remedy that situation someday, but for now I regress. 

Good night.

Stop kidding yourself.

At what point did you know that your spouse was "the one"?  Are you currently in a relationship with someone, and find yourself asking if they are the one?  If you have to ask, then perhaps you already know the answer, but don't want to accept it yet.  I think that a lot of us are so scared of the thought of being alone, that they try to stick it out with the one they are with, in hopes of a change.  Because let's face it, dating can be a scary thing.

Perhaps this is a dream come true for some of us.  If so, have at it.  I for one can't imagine meeting a girl that I'd like to spend the rest of my life with in a bar.  But then again, not all of us are really looking for someone that we can spend the rest of our lives with. 

I think that the question to ask yourself if you aren't sure about the person you are with, is a simple one.  If you broke up with that person right now, would you be upset or jealous if you saw them with someone else?  Be honest with yourself.  If the answer isn't that you couldn't bear the thought of it, then you are wasting your time, and more importantly, theirs. 

Sometimes, you can be with someone who seems perfect on the surface.  In fact, all of your friends and family might love that person and have their hopes up that you will stay with that person.  You can try the Pros and Cons exercise, and see what happens.  Perhaps the Pros will win every time.  Perhaps you won't be able to find a good enough reason to break up with that person, and end up staying with them for a long period of time.  Perhaps you've been with that person for so long, you can't imagine being with anyone else anymore.  Perhaps you just can't imagine being alone anymore.  What if this person you are with, is the best you are going to get?

If you have to ask, then perhaps you'll never know.  Personally, I don't ever want to question or doubt that I'm with the right person.  I don't want to look back on my life, and wonder what it would have been like with someone else.  I want to grow old with my sweetheart and I want her to know that if anything in life was ever certain, it is our love.  I want my kids to see the example we set, and settle for nothing less. 

So, if you are dating someone, and find yourself asking, then I say keep looking.  You will know when you know.  Don't settle for less than you deserve.  If you know what you want, then fight for it at all costs.  If the person you are with isn't willing to do the same, then perhaps you didn't ask the right questions.

Never second guess yourself.

More often than not lately, I find myself wondering if things would be different had I made different choices in the past.  I am sure that all of us do this too.  Faced with so many different choices lately, it's hard to know if each decision I am making is the right one. 

The possibilities really are endless.  What if I would have dated someone else, perhaps a girl that was a better friend?  What if I had stuck things out and gone to MIT after I graduated?  What if I had never started playing in a band?  What if I had never had that first drink?  What if? 

I know that I've made my fair share of mistakes in life, but I would like to say that I have learned from my mistakes and do not make the same ones twice.  I don't regret the decisions I've made.  I like who I am now, and that is a result of a lifetime of experiences.  It's still hard not to wonder.....

If I had stayed in Long Beach, and gone to MIT, then I probably would not have ever met The Architect, married, and had my Preslie.  I also would not have met my other girls and had the opportunity to be their Father as well.  Where would I be now without them? 

If I had married another girl, perhaps one of my friends, what would be different?  I probably would not have stayed with Harbor Freight Tools as a Manager for 9 years and gained that experience.  Who knows if I would have had my Preslie, and how would she be different?  I wouldn't want to change a single thing about my Daughter.  She is as close to perfect as I think is possible, and I have to admit that she is the product of not only me, but also her Mother.  She has the best from both of us, and that is what makes her unique. 

If I had never played in the band Froglick, how would things be different?  For starters, I would not have made a lot of the friends that I still have today.  I feel like I learned more about music and how to loosen up in those couple of years, than I had altogether thus far in my life.  That period of my life definitely helped to shape me.  I gained a level of confidence that has had an impact on nearly everything else that I've done.  I also would not have met my wife, were it not for being in that band as well.  Again, good or bad, it is not a decision that I regret. 

What if I had neve had my first drink?  Ha ha ha ha.  The possibilities on this one are endless.  So many different things have come as a result of this, I wouldn't even know where to start.  Again, this is not a decision that I regret either. 

Perhaps I find myself asking these questions more often now, because of where I am.  I never imagined that I would be a divorced, single father at age 30.  It's hard to imagine that I am even this old.  I know that 30 isn't that old either.  I guess that people tend to get a "pass" on mistakes they make in life during their teenage years and even when they are in their 20's.  When you hit your 30's, I imagine that people start looking at you differently, and want to know what you've accomplished or done thus far in life.  Nearly all of my friends are married now, with children.  Many have gone on missions, served their country in the military, have elaborate college degrees, own their homes, or maybe even their own business, amongst other things.  It's hard not to compare yourself to your friends and wonder how things may have been different. 

I think some people know what they want very early on in life.  More important than that, they know how to get what they want.  In some ways, I feel like I've lived a lifetime already.  While I was married, I had 4 amazing Daughters, a career, and learned to deal with change and being responsible.  I learned a lot about myself, including what my limits are.  I know that I can accomplish anything if I set my mind to it, and the possibilities are endless.  I experienced an entire spectrum of parenthood, as my kids all varied in age from newborn up into their teens.  I moved all over the west coast, and know that I can make it in a new environment.  Now I'm divorced, and I am starting over.  I started going to school in a completely different field than what I was doing before, but I really enjoy what I'm learning now.  I have a new job, which is completely different than what I had done previously, but I really enjoy what I'm doing now.  I feel older, but I also feel wiser and better conditioned.  I feel like I'm in the best shape physically of my life, and feel healthier.  Generally speaking, I am considerably happier.  I know a lot more about myself now, than I did 10 years ago.  I feel so much better prepared for life now and feel good about meeting someone eventually. 

I'm not perfect, and I certainly have made some mistakes.  I have learned a lot about myself, and know with better certainty what it is that I want, how to get it, and what kind of person I want to be with.  I know what qualities are important to me now, and don't have a lot of those same insecurities anymore.  Life has a way of surprising you, even when you think you have things figured out.  Be open to change, but don't lose sight of who you are.  We all grow, and change is to be expected.  Let those changes in, but don't lose sight of who you are. 

I'm taking a deep breath....

So after 3 solid weeks of asking The Architect to send Preslie back with the winter coat I bought her.......she still doesn't have it.  When I picked her up today, she was wearing a dirty dress up dress, and had no shoes or socks on.  It's October 20th in Utah, and she isn't wearing any shoes or socks.  Oh yeah, and did I mention that she has been sick with a cold since I had her last weekend??

There is only one thing that really makes me angry, and it's stuff like this when it comes to my Daughter.  I am a pretty calm and mellow guy the majority of the time.  I'd like to think that at 30 years old, I have learned a few things about myself.  You can be rude, disrespectful, or flat out mean to me, and I probably will get over it 5 minutes later.  But when it comes to my daughter, I am a grizzly bear.  Do not, I repeat, DO NOT mess with my Daughter. 

The Architect is literally the only person on this planet that seems to be able to push my buttons.  Far too often I am forced to remind myself to take a deep breath and relax. 

It's becoming more and more apparent to me that I am going to have to get used to this sort of thing for some time to come, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.  That's all I have to say right now.

Be with summer again.

Remember the carefree summer nights when we were kids?  Remember playing with your neighborhood friends until Mom or Dad called you inside?  Remember how you pretended not to hear them until they sounded like they meant business? 

For me it was playing football with the guys until we couldn't see the ball coming at us anymore.  Trying to catch a football in the dark could be painful, but that was half the fun.  Not knowing when you were going to get hit.

That part of me still seems to be very much alive today.  I still do foolish things that usually leave a mark, and I don't have any intentions of stopping any time soon either.  I've always been stubborn, and sometimes I don't listen to better judgement or reason.  I value those experiences and wouldn't trade them for anything.  I want a life full of experiences, even if that includes pain, heartache, and other such consequences.  How are we supposed to truly know life if we haven't lived?  What fun is life without a good challenge?  Perhaps some of us are content with staying between the lines and following the footprints left before us, but some of us prefer to run with our eyes wide open at night waiting for the football to inevitably hit. 

Now I'm a parent, and find myself standing at the door yelling for my child to come in because it's getting dark.  The only difference is that I only have to ask her once.  How did I ever get so lucky?  Surely karma would say otherwise, so I'll keep knocking on wood.  I know that every parent believes that their child is perfect, but let me tell you.  I think mine is about as close as they come.  She reminds me every day that I am doing something right.  Sometimes she doesn't want to eat everything on her plate, but after all, she is her father's child.  :) 

What I have discovered now, is that perhaps one of my biggest challenges is going to be living up to be the best father I can possibly be for my daughter.  Being a parent means not always doing what you want and getting your way.  Being a parent means that you are responsible for another person in every way imaginable.  Being a parent means being the first and best example to your child at all times.  Perhaps that will be my best accomplishment in this life.  I cannot fail.  At times I feel like I am still running in the dark with my hands flailing through the air trying to find my way, but I know I'll make it.  She is watching.  What could be more important than that? 

Don't be too preoccupied with worry and doubt.  Be with summer again, and enjoy the little things.

Expectations vs. Reality

I'm discovering more and more each day the truth to this statement.  I think that the key to happiness with another person is being realistic with your expectations of that person.  If you want to believe the fairy tale that you will meet Mr or Mrs Perfect and live happily ever after, you are in for a big surprise.  That person simply does not exist.  I believe that the key to being happy with someone is to find someone who shares as many of your values and interests as possible, and then accept the fact that they are only human and so are you. 

You aren't going to find Prince or Princess Charming.  Be patient, truthful, and realistic in your expectations with your partner.  Find a partner.  Find a partner who you are the most compatible with and make it your absolute top priority to make that person feel loved the way that they need and deserve to be loved.  Make them feel like your Prince or Princess Charming each and every day without fail, and I believe that you will know true love.  I believe that true love is something earned and built over time.  Not something that you fall into.

I'd love to play the part of the Romantic and throw caution to the wind, but I have been married and divorced.  Unfortunately, I became a part of the ever growing statistic.  Now I'm 30, and I get to start all over again.  Joy. Only now I come as a two-for-one package deal.  I have a beautiful, smart, and funny little girl who is 4.  She is the center and focus of my life right now, and I couldn't possible ask for a better child. 

Now I am finding out that dating when you are a single parent, can be a lot more complicated than I anticipated.  As a single parent, you still need to put your child first.  As long as I am single, Preslie will be my priority in life, and will always come first.  If I ever re-marry, my Wife will have to come first of course.  But that does not mean that my little Angel will be any less important to me.  I think that it is more important for her to see her Father love and treat his Wife like his Queen, and treat her like his Princess.  I hope that makes sense.

Reality can be tough sometimes, but I am making the most of it.  I refuse to give up and let my past shape me.  I am excited for what the future holds for us and am looking forward to tomorrow. 

See you there.