The possibilities really are endless. What if I would have dated someone else, perhaps a girl that was a better friend? What if I had stuck things out and gone to MIT after I graduated? What if I had never started playing in a band? What if I had never had that first drink? What if?
I know that I've made my fair share of mistakes in life, but I would like to say that I have learned from my mistakes and do not make the same ones twice. I don't regret the decisions I've made. I like who I am now, and that is a result of a lifetime of experiences. It's still hard not to wonder.....
If I had stayed in Long Beach, and gone to MIT, then I probably would not have ever met The Architect, married, and had my Preslie. I also would not have met my other girls and had the opportunity to be their Father as well. Where would I be now without them?
If I had married another girl, perhaps one of my friends, what would be different? I probably would not have stayed with Harbor Freight Tools as a Manager for 9 years and gained that experience. Who knows if I would have had my Preslie, and how would she be different? I wouldn't want to change a single thing about my Daughter. She is as close to perfect as I think is possible, and I have to admit that she is the product of not only me, but also her Mother. She has the best from both of us, and that is what makes her unique.
If I had never played in the band Froglick, how would things be different? For starters, I would not have made a lot of the friends that I still have today. I feel like I learned more about music and how to loosen up in those couple of years, than I had altogether thus far in my life. That period of my life definitely helped to shape me. I gained a level of confidence that has had an impact on nearly everything else that I've done. I also would not have met my wife, were it not for being in that band as well. Again, good or bad, it is not a decision that I regret.
What if I had neve had my first drink? Ha ha ha ha. The possibilities on this one are endless. So many different things have come as a result of this, I wouldn't even know where to start. Again, this is not a decision that I regret either.
Perhaps I find myself asking these questions more often now, because of where I am. I never imagined that I would be a divorced, single father at age 30. It's hard to imagine that I am even this old. I know that 30 isn't that old either. I guess that people tend to get a "pass" on mistakes they make in life during their teenage years and even when they are in their 20's. When you hit your 30's, I imagine that people start looking at you differently, and want to know what you've accomplished or done thus far in life. Nearly all of my friends are married now, with children. Many have gone on missions, served their country in the military, have elaborate college degrees, own their homes, or maybe even their own business, amongst other things. It's hard not to compare yourself to your friends and wonder how things may have been different.
I think some people know what they want very early on in life. More important than that, they know how to get what they want. In some ways, I feel like I've lived a lifetime already. While I was married, I had 4 amazing Daughters, a career, and learned to deal with change and being responsible. I learned a lot about myself, including what my limits are. I know that I can accomplish anything if I set my mind to it, and the possibilities are endless. I experienced an entire spectrum of parenthood, as my kids all varied in age from newborn up into their teens. I moved all over the west coast, and know that I can make it in a new environment. Now I'm divorced, and I am starting over. I started going to school in a completely different field than what I was doing before, but I really enjoy what I'm learning now. I have a new job, which is completely different than what I had done previously, but I really enjoy what I'm doing now. I feel older, but I also feel wiser and better conditioned. I feel like I'm in the best shape physically of my life, and feel healthier. Generally speaking, I am considerably happier. I know a lot more about myself now, than I did 10 years ago. I feel so much better prepared for life now and feel good about meeting someone eventually.
I'm not perfect, and I certainly have made some mistakes. I have learned a lot about myself, and know with better certainty what it is that I want, how to get it, and what kind of person I want to be with. I know what qualities are important to me now, and don't have a lot of those same insecurities anymore. Life has a way of surprising you, even when you think you have things figured out. Be open to change, but don't lose sight of who you are. We all grow, and change is to be expected. Let those changes in, but don't lose sight of who you are.
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