An experiment gone horribly wrong.

Have you ever started something that did not come naturally to you?  Something that was a game changer?  I'm talking about the kind of thing that put you completely outside of your comfort zone.  This thing may be insignificant to some, but to you, it was not easy. 

For me, this thing became a series of moments.  The first thing came with deciding to start dating again.  I was married for about 6 years, and my family was my world.  I put everything I had into being a good father for my kids, but apparently not enough into being a good husband.  The failure of my marriage was an excruciating disappointment.  Losing my kids in the process was crippling.  I felt pain that was nearly the end of me.  I know that may sound dramatic, but it's the truth.  I went through a divorce and an extended custody battle for my Daughter Preslie, all while I was working full time, going to school full time, and living in my friends basement.  Were it not for those friends and my amazing supportive family, I really don't think I could have made it. I felt like my life had become a dark hole, and that I was never going to see the light again.  At the time, I couldn't even imagine getting back out there into the dating scene, and opening up my life to another person like that again.  Finally I met someone that made me change my mind.

I started dating this girl and tried to keep an open mind. I wanted to listen to my close friends and family this time around, in regards to who I was with.  This was something that I had obviously failed to do, and understand better now the importance of that.  Those people love you, and want to see what's best for you.  They want to see you happy.

This girl and I had quite a bit in common.  Admittedly, we were both nerds about a lot of the same things.  I could tell this girl just about anything, and felt completely comfortable doing so.  I started introducing her to friends and family, and she didn't seem to disappoint.  Passed the test with flying colors even.  For awhile, all seemed well and I was genuinely happy.  I found myself letting this girl more and more into my life, and she did the same. 

Eventually, the inevitable happened and one of us decided that it was time to move things to the next level, and bring love into it.  I knew I felt it, but was too terrified to admit that I was up to my ears in it already.  I was afraid that perhaps we had moved too quickly, and wanted to make sure that we were doing what was best.  I saw that relationship being a long term thing, and had a really strong desire to do things the right way.  I had met her family, and they had been genuinely nice to my Daughter and I, and really taken us in.  I did not want to let them down, and more importantly, I didn't want to let her down either.  My fear was that we were spending way too much time together, and that that might be clouding our judgement. 

The problem came when I started to pull back, and told her that I wanted us to slow things down a bit.  Naturally, the more I did this, the more I believe that she panicked, and tried to pull closer to me.  Eventually, I told her that I thought we should take a break and spend some time apart.  She told me that she loved me, and would give me as much time as I needed, because she wanted to be with me.  I panicked.  I panicked because I knew I felt the same, but I wasn't ready to admit it quite yet.  Looking back, this sounds pretty stupid.  A part of me wanted to test her willingness to give me some space.  I wanted to test her patience, and see if she really meant it.  After about two weeks, it seems that my bet backfired, and she broke things off.  I was shocked at the time it happened, but a part of me was also a bit relieved.  I felt like now I didn't have to worry about our future together, because perhaps it wasn't meant to be. 

We stayed friends at the time, and seemed to continue to talk and be friends the way that we were before we had started dating.  The more time that passed, the more I realized that I had made a horrible decision.  I realized that I did indeed love this girl, and that I was up to my ears in it.  Being outside of the equation, so to speak, I realized that the things I thought I had a problem with, were in fact pretty silly and not so important to me.

When we had split, she told me that I was emotionally cutoff.  That I had a serious problem with communicating my feelings, and that during those weeks I had caused her some pretty serious pains.  To be exact, I had put her through her own personal type of hell.  I felt a deep pain that I wasn't used to feeling, and felt incredible remorse that I had caused her this type of pain.  I knew she was right.  What pained me the most though, was the fact that I had never told her how I really felt about her.  I didn't understand how I could have let her believe that she wasn't loved. 



This had been that thing.  The thing that does not come very naturally to me, and the thing that puts me outside of my comfort zone.  To be completely honest, I've struggled with it quite a bit.  I am a pretty guarded person, and I don't like other people knowing exactly how I feel about most things.  I like to make those things personal, and share them with only a few people.  This girl and I stayed friends, and continued to talk.  She seemed to be proud of me, and what I was trying to do with this blog.  All seemed to be going quite well, until this past week, when apparently I went too far with a particular post, and it backfired.  It was Thanksgiving, and I was having an especially hard day.  I was feeling pretty angry about a number of things that had happened during the past few days, and decided that the blog was a good place to release that.  That disappointment turned into anger and regret, and apparently I vented some of that here.  Of course this got back to her, and she was pretty upset about it.  She let me know that I had hurt her, and then proceeded to remove the remaining connections we had to each other.  I felt horrible that what I had said ended up hurting her, and tried to let her know that I would remove that post, which I have now done.  Doesn't seem to have made a difference though, and I fear that I have really blown it this time.  I've tried to let her know that I love her, but the time has passed.  She has moved on, and is a lot happier without me now.  It seems that the only thing I can do now, is try to do the same, and move on as well.  I don't know how to do it, and feel completely lost.  To be honest, I'm kind of a big mess right now. 

I feel like I'm back to square one, and kind of want to hide out again.  I wanna drink until I don't feel feelings anymore.  In fact, that is exactly what I did this weekend.  It almost worked.  For now, I think that this is going to be my last post, as it seems that this little experiment has completely backfired.  I still ended up losing the girl that I loved, and it was my own fault.  I know better than ever that I am pretty screwed up, and that I have a lot to work on.  I still want to better myself, but for now I regress.

Waking up a Squeek...

So I have a routine when I wake up every morning.  This routine changes slightly on weekdays when I have a Squeek of course.  On the weekdays when I have her, I get to wake up extra early so that I can either take Preslie back to The Architect, or to my Mom's house.  Usually I wake up and take a shower while Preslie sleeps like a brick, sprawled across my bed.  I try to get up as quietly as possible, so as not to wake her.  First things first.  Use the bathroom, followed immediately by a shower.  A nice hot shower.

After the shower, it's time to brush my teeth, and then finish getting dressed.  Usually somewhere around this point I will start the process of waking up a Squeek.  This can be tricky.  While she is normally a sweet little angel, she has a tendency to dart back under the blankets upon being woke up and realizing that I've turned the light on.  This is where she temporarily turns into a vicious Papa Bear eating Tiger.  Tiny fingernails have been known to spring in and out from under said blankets.  One must be careful.  If I survive the wake up, I get her dressed and then stuff a vitamin into her mouth as quickly as possible.  Quickly because I don't want to lose a finger.  I need them for work. 

This morning, however, was a little different. 

While I was brushing my teeth, I heard a tiny knock on the door.  I shut off the sink and responded, "Hello?"  I heard a very awake Squeek reply, "Papa Bear, I need to go potty."  Of course I said, "OK" and opened the door to let her in.  She walked right in and then plopped herself down on the toilet to do her business, while I finished brushing my teeth.  Just as she was about to flush the toilet, I said to her,"Hey Tiny, did you wake up?"  Next came the best possible response a 4-year old could retort to such an intelligent question.

"Yeah.  Duh." 

For a brief second I tried to stay serious, because I don't want my 4-year old Daughter saying "Duh" to her Father. 

Instead I burst into laughter and started to choke on a mouthful of toothpaste. 

Squeek 1.  Papa Bear 0.

I work to live, not the other way around.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I work really hard for what I have.  I worked my way up from a starting retail cashier position to Store Manager and then proceeded to work ungodly hours over the course of the next 9 years to support my family.  I've always had a strong work ethic, and I'd like to thank my Father for that.  Admittedly, I have a bit of a competition in me, and I like to succeed.  Better yet, I have a desire to be successful.  Like most other men out there, it is vitally important for me to be able to provide for my family, and ensure that they are well taken care of. 

After I lost my job a few years ago which I had held for 9 years, I felt lost.  I felt defeated, and honestly had no idea what to do.  My biggest fear up until then had been being unemployed and not being able to provide for my family.  At the time, I was married and had 4 kids to take care of.  I was 27 years old, and had no idea what to do.  What I did know, was that working in retail was not something I wanted as a career.  I hated the hours and how much it kept me from my family.  The money wasn't exactly great either.  I ended up working an insane amount of hours, and had very little to show for it.  I was tired of seeing other people working a Monday thru Friday 9-5 job and making more money than me.  They seemed happier.  I wanted that. 

After looking at a number of different potential career changes, I decided that IT was the way I wanted to go.  I had always had an interest in computers and technology, and did a lot of LAN Administration type stuff in my job for the past 9 years.  After talking to a number of friends, I took their advice and enrolled into school to get some technical certifications, to help get started. 

After I had been going to school for about 3 months, I was lucky enough to finally get another job, this time in the field I was interested in.  In less than a year, I was already making the same salary that I had previously been making in my last job, which had taken me 9 years to work up to.  I finally had the Monday thru Friday job working 9-5.  What a blessing! 

I thoroughly enjoy going to work each and every day.  I have an amazing boss, and amazing co-workers too.  I have great benefits, and am allowed the freedom and flexibility in my daily schedule to get whatever I need to get done.  I am proud to tell people what I do now, and where I work.  I've already been promoted once, and have another possible promotion into management that I will find out about tomorrow.  I'll keep my fingers crossed, but I'm not too worried about it.  I know that if it doesn't happen tomorrow, it will eventually. 

I've heard a lot of people use the phrase, "I work to live, not live to work."  I think that is very important.  While I do very genuinely enjoy and love my job, it is still a job.  I work because I have to.  I definitely work to live.  I work so that I can support my family and do the other things that I enjoy doing.  My job isn't everything to me though.  I think that is the important difference.  You cannot put your job first before everything else in your life.  I think that a lot of men out there make this mistake.  I believe that they get so caught up with the desire and need to provide and succeed, that they lose sight of why they are really doing those things.  Why are we really working?  Who are we really trying to impress, or take care of?  A lot of this comes down to time.  If we invest too much of our time trying to make more money, or move up one more rung on the corporate ladder, we can lose sight of the other important parts of our lives.  More often it seems that family is the first to suffer in this quest.  More responsibility usually means less free time at home to spend with your wife and kids.  Remember your priorities.  Remember that your kids are only young for a brief amount of time.  Once that time is gone, there is no amount of money or success that can get that time back. 

I am truly thankful that now I have a job which affords me more time to spend with my family.  I am excited for the future and even more grateful for the friends who offered their advice and helped to point me in the right direction.  I owe them my happiness. 

Something's missing.

I am not one to chase a girl.   I can count on one hand the number of girls that I have actually pursued in my life.  The one that seems to come to mind first, of course, is my ex-wife.  She was one of the first girls that I ever made the first move with, and actively pursued.  I saw her, and something just seemed to click.  I knew somehow that there was something different about her, and I wanted to make her mine.  I gave her my number, and then made several failed attempts at getting her attention.  In the end, obviously I won her over, and we got married. 
Up until that point in my life, I had dated a number of different girls that had made the first effort and showed interest in me.  I've kind of settled in a lot of relationships in the past and simply went along with things.  Now, this is not to say that I wasn't interested at all, and that they weren't nice girls.  I had some pretty special relationships with a lot of those girls, and was lucky to have spent that time together.

What if my judgement is really so off, that I am doomed to a life of unhappiness, or have simply already lost my opportunity at happiness?  Lately I seem to find myself stuck in the middle.  One part of me wants to be left alone, and the other part is terrified of being alone.  There have been times in my life when I have been with a person who has wanted nothing more than to be in my company, and to have my love in return.  What is wrong with them?  Why is that such a terrifying thought?  Why do I run from the very thing that I long for?  The issue now, it seems, is that I don't trust my own judgement in matters of love.  There I said it.  The dreaded 4 letter "L" word.  I have found myself in seemingly happy relationships, and then turned cold as ice when the unexpected "L" word was thrown in my direction.  It is a scary thing.  It is a word that makes one completely vulnerable.  Opens you up to pain, and reveals your deepest desires and fears. 

I have been to this place before, and lost nearly everything.  I came out with a permanent reminder of her and our time together.  As much as it does pain me to say, I regret nothing.  I invested everything I had in that relationship, and came out with a beautiful Daughter as a result.  When we got divorced, I literally lost everything I had.  Were it not for a good attorney, I would have only the minimal state assigned visitation with my Daughter.  Once our divorce was final, I had to start over completely.  The only things I owned at that point were my clothes, guitars, and a box full of pictures.  In that couple of years, I experienced pains that left some pretty deep scars.  This in turn, has left me especially guarded and cautious. 

What now is this dual nature that makes me want to be loved, and fear it at the same time?  It is such a hard thing to trust a person and let them love you.  It is even harder to admit that you love them in return.  I find it especially hard to really believe someone when they say that they love me, or are in love with me.  Seems like such an easy thing to say.  If only people truly meant it every time they said it.  Far too lightly is this phrase tossed about.  True love takes time.  I do not believe in "love at first sight". 

Far too common is the confusion between lust and love.  It is an easy thing to confuse physical feelings with feelings of the heart.  I have been in relationships that developed from a physical nature too soon, and the feelings of potential love were muddled and misguided.  It seems that a lot of my relationships have dove into the physical side far too quickly, and this has only complicated things.  The big problem is, that once you have opened Pandora's Box, so to speak, that it is nearly impossible to go back.  You can't taste the honey, and then pretend you don't want more. 

How can I expect a girl to want to be with me, when I cannot open myself up to her?  I need a girl that can see me for who I really am, and love me despite my flaws.  One who is patient enough to see me past my insecurities and stand by me no matter what.  An unconditional love.  I know it's possible.  I know I have it in me.  I just hope that it isn't too late.  So hear I sit alone for now.  Longing for and avoiding the same thing.  I hope that it finds me, and is patient enough to see me through to the other side.

Gonna be a long night.

I've said it before but I'll say it again.  I'm in a weird place.

I am not into clubbing, and I'm not in my 20's anymore.  I am, however, perfectly content with staying at home and spending quality time with my Daughter.  I also thoroughly enjoy taking her to do fun things that seem to make a 4-year old happy.  Because let's face it, when you're a parent, making your kids happy becomes your mission in life, and therefor makes us happy in return. 

So what happens when you're divorced and have those stretches of time between visitations with your children?  Do you go out?  What do you do?  It's awkward when nearly all of your friends are still married, because who wants to be the 3rd wheel?  Anyone in my shoes will also understand that the same guy friends you used to hang out with occasionally that are married, will suddenly not be available to hang out as much or ever once you become single again.  Apparently now you have become a threat and your "single-loving" ways may rub off on said friend. 

I don't know if I even want to meet new people.  I'm not sure that I really want to get back "out there" and start dating all over again.  Dating kinda sucks.  The thought of being set up makes me queasy.  How many decent girls are out there that are my age?  Ones that I may actually be interested in, that is.  The only people I really see or interact with too much are my co-workers.  I hear it's best to avoid dating your co-workers.  I don't enjoy going to clubs.  In fact, I'm pretty repulsed by it.  Anytime I have gone, I feel like I need a full blown decontamination afterwards.  Not what I'm looking for. 

Let's face it, I am looking for something a little more long term these days.  Sure, a little fun would be nice, but I feel like I deserve better than that, and so does she.  I can't imagine a serious relationship developing with a girl I've met at a club or a bar.  So the question then becomes, where do you go to meet someone?  I'm not going to the gym to meet girls.  I'm also not going to church to meet girls.  Perhaps that's the problem.  Perhaps it's not.  Let's be realistic.

I enjoy having a drink every now and then.  I enjoy spending time with my Daughter.  I enjoy staying home sometimes.  I like hanging out with the same friends I've had for years.  Sometimes, I don't have anything clever to say at all. 

For now I am perfectly content not losing any sleep over it, and will continue doing what I do.  I'll keep hanging out with the same friends and stay in that comfort zone.  I'm open to change and meeting new people, but am not going to try to force anything to happen.  I want that to happen naturally when the time is right.  Here's to another Saturday night alone.  Thanks for the company Jack. 

50 things that I love...

In no particular order, the following is a list of things that I love.

1. My Kids
2. Music
3. A tasty beverage
4. New technology
5. Playing / creating music
6. Watching movies
7. My friends
8. Kayaking
9. Summer drives at night with the windows down
10. Head scratches
11. Apple Juice
12. Nachos
13. Doritos
14. Art
15. A good nights rest
16. My couch
17. My job
18. My family
19. A hot shower
20. My Ink
21. Surfing
22. Longboarding
23. Weekends
24. Siberian Huskies
25. Nice clothes
26. Working out
27. Hikes
28. Mountain Biking
29. Learning new things
30. Scars
31. Singing when no one else can hear me
32. The beach
33. Bacon
34. Pictures
35. Camping
36. Southern Comfort
37. Quality musical instruments
38. A good kiss
39. Sunshine
40. Honesty
41. Samurai culture
42. Mt. Rainier
43. Willow trees
44. Motorcycles
45. The color black
46. Looking for shooting stars and satellites at night
47. Olive Garden breadsticks
48. Women
49. Waking up to a well slept opposite sex
50. Laughing

Things that I regret..

1. That one time I let things go too far.
2. Finding such a petty excuse to keep us from happening.
3. Shaving my head recently.
4. Not learning to play the piano.
5. Not having more to regret.

Flipping the switch is easier than flipping it back....

There is this thing I have, and it's a problem.  I imagine that there are quite a few of us out there who have the same thing.  There was a time when I was completely in love, and was completely invested in that relationship, otherwise known as my marriage.  Without getting too personal, it didn't work out.  Being in love, you have to fully trust your partner and completely let them in.  Full exposure.  No secrets.  Complete vulnerability.

So what do we do when that backfires?  In my experience, it opened up a kind of pain that cut so deep, that it changed who I was.  It made me question my core beliefs and lose faith in a lot of things I thought I had known.  It made thoughts possible that I had previously never imagined being capable of.  There was only one thing that I was certain of anymore.  I did not want to hurt like that ever again.  I didn't realize it at first, but I had put up a wall.  To keep people out, and guard my inner feelings from ever being exposed again. 

Better yet, I would shut those emotions off.  It seemed that I could simply flip a switch and turn those feelings off.  If something hurts you, you learn to avoid it.  How many of us grabbed the hot pan on the stove again after we first felt it's burn?

What happens though when we don't need that security anymore?  What happens when things change and you think that you're ready to move on, and are considering letting someone else in?  Is that switch so easy to turn back on?  Will that person know how to get past the wall you've put up? 

I've found myself in that awkward place recently, and unfortunately, it seems that the very counters I had built up have actually backfired.  I found myself wanting to be happy again, and looking for excuses to feel otherwise.  Anything, any sort of flaw, or imperfection.  What happens when you find it, and it doesn't make a difference?    What happens when you grab a hold of something and try to make it bigger than it really is?  Where will you be when it comes down to that moment of vulnerability again, and you can't flip the switch back?  When you know it is up to you to make it happen again.  When you can't expect the other person to keep fighting for you, and something that you aren't willing to give.

Love is about taking chances.  Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.  I hope that eventually I can flip that switch back, and let someone in again.  I hope that whoever that person is, will be worth the trouble and patient enough to help me get there as well.



S$#t my Daughter says........

So the other day I was reading through this blog site called "S$#t That Siri Says", which was fairly entertaining.  Then I thought, "I need to keep track of some of the crazy things that my daughter says, so this post was born.

*"Daddy, my tummy was just talking to me, and it said it's not hungry for that.."
*"My Dad sings like a girl!"
*"Papa Bear, was your nose ever regular size?"
*"Say Y, say  S, say M, ......Unicorn."
*"Pinky promise that I can sleep in your bed, and Mr. Unicorn promises he won't kick you."
*"Wanna do karate?  *kicks me in the shin and chops me in the stomach* That was number 7."
*"French fries and nuggets!!!!!!!!!!"
*"Papa, this is not a Preslie movie!"
*"My Daddy is more hairy than a monkey!"