Up until that point in my life, I had dated a number of different girls that had made the first effort and showed interest in me. I've kind of settled in a lot of relationships in the past and simply went along with things. Now, this is not to say that I wasn't interested at all, and that they weren't nice girls. I had some pretty special relationships with a lot of those girls, and was lucky to have spent that time together.
What if my judgement is really so off, that I am doomed to a life of unhappiness, or have simply already lost my opportunity at happiness? Lately I seem to find myself stuck in the middle. One part of me wants to be left alone, and the other part is terrified of being alone. There have been times in my life when I have been with a person who has wanted nothing more than to be in my company, and to have my love in return. What is wrong with them? Why is that such a terrifying thought? Why do I run from the very thing that I long for? The issue now, it seems, is that I don't trust my own judgement in matters of love. There I said it. The dreaded 4 letter "L" word. I have found myself in seemingly happy relationships, and then turned cold as ice when the unexpected "L" word was thrown in my direction. It is a scary thing. It is a word that makes one completely vulnerable. Opens you up to pain, and reveals your deepest desires and fears.
I have been to this place before, and lost nearly everything. I came out with a permanent reminder of her and our time together. As much as it does pain me to say, I regret nothing. I invested everything I had in that relationship, and came out with a beautiful Daughter as a result. When we got divorced, I literally lost everything I had. Were it not for a good attorney, I would have only the minimal state assigned visitation with my Daughter. Once our divorce was final, I had to start over completely. The only things I owned at that point were my clothes, guitars, and a box full of pictures. In that couple of years, I experienced pains that left some pretty deep scars. This in turn, has left me especially guarded and cautious.
What now is this dual nature that makes me want to be loved, and fear it at the same time? It is such a hard thing to trust a person and let them love you. It is even harder to admit that you love them in return. I find it especially hard to really believe someone when they say that they love me, or are in love with me. Seems like such an easy thing to say. If only people truly meant it every time they said it. Far too lightly is this phrase tossed about. True love takes time. I do not believe in "love at first sight".
Far too common is the confusion between lust and love. It is an easy thing to confuse physical feelings with feelings of the heart. I have been in relationships that developed from a physical nature too soon, and the feelings of potential love were muddled and misguided. It seems that a lot of my relationships have dove into the physical side far too quickly, and this has only complicated things. The big problem is, that once you have opened Pandora's Box, so to speak, that it is nearly impossible to go back. You can't taste the honey, and then pretend you don't want more.
How can I expect a girl to want to be with me, when I cannot open myself up to her? I need a girl that can see me for who I really am, and love me despite my flaws. One who is patient enough to see me past my insecurities and stand by me no matter what. An unconditional love. I know it's possible. I know I have it in me. I just hope that it isn't too late. So hear I sit alone for now. Longing for and avoiding the same thing. I hope that it finds me, and is patient enough to see me through to the other side.
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