Flipping the switch is easier than flipping it back....

There is this thing I have, and it's a problem.  I imagine that there are quite a few of us out there who have the same thing.  There was a time when I was completely in love, and was completely invested in that relationship, otherwise known as my marriage.  Without getting too personal, it didn't work out.  Being in love, you have to fully trust your partner and completely let them in.  Full exposure.  No secrets.  Complete vulnerability.

So what do we do when that backfires?  In my experience, it opened up a kind of pain that cut so deep, that it changed who I was.  It made me question my core beliefs and lose faith in a lot of things I thought I had known.  It made thoughts possible that I had previously never imagined being capable of.  There was only one thing that I was certain of anymore.  I did not want to hurt like that ever again.  I didn't realize it at first, but I had put up a wall.  To keep people out, and guard my inner feelings from ever being exposed again. 

Better yet, I would shut those emotions off.  It seemed that I could simply flip a switch and turn those feelings off.  If something hurts you, you learn to avoid it.  How many of us grabbed the hot pan on the stove again after we first felt it's burn?

What happens though when we don't need that security anymore?  What happens when things change and you think that you're ready to move on, and are considering letting someone else in?  Is that switch so easy to turn back on?  Will that person know how to get past the wall you've put up? 

I've found myself in that awkward place recently, and unfortunately, it seems that the very counters I had built up have actually backfired.  I found myself wanting to be happy again, and looking for excuses to feel otherwise.  Anything, any sort of flaw, or imperfection.  What happens when you find it, and it doesn't make a difference?    What happens when you grab a hold of something and try to make it bigger than it really is?  Where will you be when it comes down to that moment of vulnerability again, and you can't flip the switch back?  When you know it is up to you to make it happen again.  When you can't expect the other person to keep fighting for you, and something that you aren't willing to give.

Love is about taking chances.  Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.  I hope that eventually I can flip that switch back, and let someone in again.  I hope that whoever that person is, will be worth the trouble and patient enough to help me get there as well.