An experiment gone horribly wrong.

Have you ever started something that did not come naturally to you?  Something that was a game changer?  I'm talking about the kind of thing that put you completely outside of your comfort zone.  This thing may be insignificant to some, but to you, it was not easy. 

For me, this thing became a series of moments.  The first thing came with deciding to start dating again.  I was married for about 6 years, and my family was my world.  I put everything I had into being a good father for my kids, but apparently not enough into being a good husband.  The failure of my marriage was an excruciating disappointment.  Losing my kids in the process was crippling.  I felt pain that was nearly the end of me.  I know that may sound dramatic, but it's the truth.  I went through a divorce and an extended custody battle for my Daughter Preslie, all while I was working full time, going to school full time, and living in my friends basement.  Were it not for those friends and my amazing supportive family, I really don't think I could have made it. I felt like my life had become a dark hole, and that I was never going to see the light again.  At the time, I couldn't even imagine getting back out there into the dating scene, and opening up my life to another person like that again.  Finally I met someone that made me change my mind.

I started dating this girl and tried to keep an open mind. I wanted to listen to my close friends and family this time around, in regards to who I was with.  This was something that I had obviously failed to do, and understand better now the importance of that.  Those people love you, and want to see what's best for you.  They want to see you happy.

This girl and I had quite a bit in common.  Admittedly, we were both nerds about a lot of the same things.  I could tell this girl just about anything, and felt completely comfortable doing so.  I started introducing her to friends and family, and she didn't seem to disappoint.  Passed the test with flying colors even.  For awhile, all seemed well and I was genuinely happy.  I found myself letting this girl more and more into my life, and she did the same. 

Eventually, the inevitable happened and one of us decided that it was time to move things to the next level, and bring love into it.  I knew I felt it, but was too terrified to admit that I was up to my ears in it already.  I was afraid that perhaps we had moved too quickly, and wanted to make sure that we were doing what was best.  I saw that relationship being a long term thing, and had a really strong desire to do things the right way.  I had met her family, and they had been genuinely nice to my Daughter and I, and really taken us in.  I did not want to let them down, and more importantly, I didn't want to let her down either.  My fear was that we were spending way too much time together, and that that might be clouding our judgement. 

The problem came when I started to pull back, and told her that I wanted us to slow things down a bit.  Naturally, the more I did this, the more I believe that she panicked, and tried to pull closer to me.  Eventually, I told her that I thought we should take a break and spend some time apart.  She told me that she loved me, and would give me as much time as I needed, because she wanted to be with me.  I panicked.  I panicked because I knew I felt the same, but I wasn't ready to admit it quite yet.  Looking back, this sounds pretty stupid.  A part of me wanted to test her willingness to give me some space.  I wanted to test her patience, and see if she really meant it.  After about two weeks, it seems that my bet backfired, and she broke things off.  I was shocked at the time it happened, but a part of me was also a bit relieved.  I felt like now I didn't have to worry about our future together, because perhaps it wasn't meant to be. 

We stayed friends at the time, and seemed to continue to talk and be friends the way that we were before we had started dating.  The more time that passed, the more I realized that I had made a horrible decision.  I realized that I did indeed love this girl, and that I was up to my ears in it.  Being outside of the equation, so to speak, I realized that the things I thought I had a problem with, were in fact pretty silly and not so important to me.

When we had split, she told me that I was emotionally cutoff.  That I had a serious problem with communicating my feelings, and that during those weeks I had caused her some pretty serious pains.  To be exact, I had put her through her own personal type of hell.  I felt a deep pain that I wasn't used to feeling, and felt incredible remorse that I had caused her this type of pain.  I knew she was right.  What pained me the most though, was the fact that I had never told her how I really felt about her.  I didn't understand how I could have let her believe that she wasn't loved. 



This had been that thing.  The thing that does not come very naturally to me, and the thing that puts me outside of my comfort zone.  To be completely honest, I've struggled with it quite a bit.  I am a pretty guarded person, and I don't like other people knowing exactly how I feel about most things.  I like to make those things personal, and share them with only a few people.  This girl and I stayed friends, and continued to talk.  She seemed to be proud of me, and what I was trying to do with this blog.  All seemed to be going quite well, until this past week, when apparently I went too far with a particular post, and it backfired.  It was Thanksgiving, and I was having an especially hard day.  I was feeling pretty angry about a number of things that had happened during the past few days, and decided that the blog was a good place to release that.  That disappointment turned into anger and regret, and apparently I vented some of that here.  Of course this got back to her, and she was pretty upset about it.  She let me know that I had hurt her, and then proceeded to remove the remaining connections we had to each other.  I felt horrible that what I had said ended up hurting her, and tried to let her know that I would remove that post, which I have now done.  Doesn't seem to have made a difference though, and I fear that I have really blown it this time.  I've tried to let her know that I love her, but the time has passed.  She has moved on, and is a lot happier without me now.  It seems that the only thing I can do now, is try to do the same, and move on as well.  I don't know how to do it, and feel completely lost.  To be honest, I'm kind of a big mess right now. 

I feel like I'm back to square one, and kind of want to hide out again.  I wanna drink until I don't feel feelings anymore.  In fact, that is exactly what I did this weekend.  It almost worked.  For now, I think that this is going to be my last post, as it seems that this little experiment has completely backfired.  I still ended up losing the girl that I loved, and it was my own fault.  I know better than ever that I am pretty screwed up, and that I have a lot to work on.  I still want to better myself, but for now I regress.